After Surgery

BE SURE TO READ THE UPDATE AT THE BOTTOM! GREAT NEWS!

I had my surgery last Tuesday at MD Anderson to remove my cancerous lymph nodes. They removed all that was under my left arm and left me with a drain to wear. That's because the lymph nodes process the body's fluid and when they're suddenly gone the body has to have time to process and find a way to re-route the fluid. So, until the daily count gets under 30cc's a day for two days in a row, I'm stuck with a drain. Did I ever mention this stuff makes me squeamish? Ugh!

My poor hubby has had to be my nurse as I cannot empty the drain myself. But he loves me more than he hates emptying drains so he has persevered to empty it several times a day. What a faithful, strong husband I have! He has been my rock through all of this!

Hopefully tomorrow I will get the drain removed! I was under 30cc's yesterday and so far today is looking right on target to be the same or lower. I will be so glad when this ball and chain is gone!

My arm hurts a lot more than I thought it would. I've had several surgeries and it seems the older I get the worse they hurt! I've been doing my therapy exercises regularly and the tougher ones I'm supposed to do after the drain is out. I noticed that the exercise instructions say that the pain is actually supposed to get worse in later weeks! Great.

Apparently as my nerve endings recuperate from the savagery of surgery I will be feeling pain more and more. I was wondering why the pain was getting worse instead of better! The pain medicine doesn't work very well and it makes me dizzy so I only take it at night to sleep. If only the heat flashes would leave me alone I might actually get a good nights sleep!

I am still waiting on the pathology results. Kinda scared to hear them actually. But God is always faithful to give me what I need when I need it. This week I have been reading a free book on my free Nook app I put on my iPhone; Max Lucado's 'The Greatest Gift' which features excerpts from some of Lucado's books. Here is the part that has touched me this week:

"There are times when God chooses to say no to the earthly request so he can say yes to the heavenly one. Doesn't he still do that today? Doesn't he use the challenge of the body to strengthen the soul? We need to remember that Peter was in a storm before he walked on water, Lazarus was in a grave before he came out of it, the demoniac was possessed before he was a preacher, and the paralytic was on a stretcher before he was in your Bible...We know that in everything God works for the good of those who love him...Please don't interpret the presence of your disease as the absence of God's love. I pray he heals you. And he will, ultimately."

Hopefully, I will receive a miracle from God and get complete healing in my body. But if I don't, He will heal me, ultimately. Comforting words. Thank you, Lord, for giving them to Max to pass along to me!

Have a blessed Christmas!

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UPDATE!

I just got off the phone for the pathology report. Out of 20 lymph nodes removed they COULD NOT find cancer in any of them! They said this is very rare - I had a complete pathological response to the chemo. The enlarged lymph node was just fibrosis. God is good, awesome, amazing and still answering prayer and working miracles today! He deserves all the praise and glory for any good news! 

Thank you, Lord, and thanks to all of you for praying for me!

A Different Christmas Perspective

Cancer changes your perspective in so many ways. Especially when the doctors don't really know what type of cancer you have and so they cannot really make any confident predictions about your future.

Will my surgery next week to remove the cancerous lymph nodes under my arm cure me of cancer? Well...hopefully. But since the cancer is in my lymph nodes - a sign of advanced disease - who knows? Maybe the chemo and upcoming radiation therapy will take care of any microscopic cancer cells remaining in my body. Maybe.

But maybe not. My cancer could return at any time, which makes me think I better celebrate this holiday season as if it is my last, and that thought has given me a different perspective this time of year.

Wreath at MD Anderson for Auction

 Where some people see an overly commercialized Christmas season I see something else. I see a Christmas shopping season that puts most businesses in the black. They will have finally made enough money to cover the cost of running their business throughout the entire year, which makes it convenient for all of us. Just think of the places where we would not be able to window shop in May if it wasn't for 'the buying season' at Christmas keeping the business open. That is something I am thankful for.

Do some people 'overshop'? Sure, but that is a personal issue, just like when people overeat. They are compensating for a perceived lack of affection, or trying to measure up, or some other such shortcoming. Commercialization doesn't make people buy just as too many restaurants or too much food doesn't make people overeat. It is a perceived need, an unfulfilled want or sense of entitlement (I deserve this!) attitude that is spurring the behavior.

Another pretty wreath

So when I read, as I did this week, a well-known pastor's daily devotion where he was putting down the modern day celebration of Christmas and all it's 'hustle and bustle' I had a different perspective. I have spent most of the last 24 weeks in seclusion with my chemo and face spending the next several weeks at home recovery from my surgery. I miss the hustle and bustle! I miss hearing the Christmas music blaring over the store speakers. I miss seeing shiny new Christmas merchandise and shopping for presents for my loved ones. I may not get another chance!

I think Christmas represents how much God has given to us, even if we don't have much to spend. Because of Christ we have this season. Because of His love, we have been given loved ones to buy for. And if we don't have money to buy presents, because of Christ we have His word, which tells us that whatever state we find ourselves in we learn to be content.

"Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content" 

Philippians 4:11 (Emphasis mine.)

Have you even noticed the word 'learn' in that verse before? Contentment is learned, it doesn't just happen. That was a revelation to me when I found that out.

Snowman!

  
  
Contentment is a learning process, it isn't just given to you or a feeling that could come or go. It is learned. If you are feeling discontent this Christmas season, if you are feeling it is to commercialized, too long, too expensive, too much of a hassle, too whatever - learn contentment by focusing on what is good during this season. Be glad for what you are able to do, where you are able to go and what you are allowed to see.

Reading through His word, meditating on His promises, remembering the birth of His son who was sent to guide you through your life, with all this contentment can be learned. And then you can find joy in the season. 

Merry Christmas!

Changing Seasons

The buffet area set for Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite times of the year. I love the cooler weather, the fall colors, and baking desserts that come with the season - molasses cookies, apple cake, pumpkin bread and more. The smells of cinnamon and nutmeg in the air and the warm colors of Thanksgiving decor always put a smile on my face.

This year I will have to forgo most of my Thanksgiving baking, but my daughter put out a lot of our Thanksgiving decorations so our house has the comforting look of fall. The above photo shows our buffet table nicely decorated. The one below is the mantel above our fireplace. Cara has a good eye for grouping items together!

Fireplace Mantel

My husbands family will be providing most of our Thanksgiving dinner this year. His Aunt will be making several side dishes and his Mom will be providing us with desserts. We are looking at buying a smoked turkey for the first time. I can't cook or go over to anyone's house but we will still eat well this Thanksgiving. God is good!

This past week I found out that my surgery will be December 11th. Right now it's to remove all the lymph nodes under my left arm. The surgeon, however, wanted to do a genetic test to see if I carry the genes for breast cancer. If I do, I have a 40% or higher chance of having a second breast cancer. If the test returns positive, I have to decide if I want a mastectomy or double mastectomy. This was a surprise, as I was first assured that I wouldn't have to go through removal of my breasts since there wasn't any cancer found there.

However, my insurance may not pay for the $4000 test. In that case, the doctor took the cancer history of my family, at least all of it I could gather. After reviewing the multiple Aunts, Uncles and grandparents who have had cancer on either side of my parents families (and there are a lot of them) but finding that none had breast or ovarian cancer, the genetics doctor thinks that it's less 5% chance I could have the gene. So she recommends that if the insurance doesn't pay for the test, that we just not have it done and I make my decision based on the facts I have at hand.

Bryan had asked that if they remove the breasts isn't there still a chance I could get breast cancer? I hadn't thought of that. The answer is yes, there could still be breast tissue left behind that could become cancerous even after a mastectomy. So I could lose my 'girls' and still end up with breast cancer. 

Another thing I found out is that when they take out the lymph nodes under the arm and do radiation under there, you are more likely to get lymphedema, a build-up of fluid in your arm, which I will have to watch out for for the rest of my life. There isn't anything I can do about it except go to the doctor or ER - every single time - for help. I never knew this!

After this visit to MD Anderson I felt I had information overload. I had not expected to have a lifelong condition to deal with after surgery. Nor did I know I was going to be faced with a mastectomy decision. On top of all that, my son's Crohn's flare he had been having for the past two weeks was getting really bad. And trying to do a long-distance communication with his doctor in the Woodlands seemed to be getting us no where.

So last week was not a good week at all. Thankfully, my son's doctor finally called late Friday afternoon and ordered blood tests and called in a prescription for a temporary medicine that has helped Caden in the past, although Caden had to ask for the medicine himself! This medicine has a lot of bad side effects on Cade, but at least he got it and it finally started working. He has an appointment on the 20th to see his gastroenterologist and we'll see what he says about Caden's future.

As for my own future, I feel right now the only surgery I will do is the lymph nodes. However, if my insurance does cover the test and it comes back positive I'll have a very difficult decision to make. I guess I'll have to deal with the lymphedema if/when it happens. I have to be tougher than I ever knew.

My life has radically changed this year. I would have enjoyed last years holidays a lot more if I'd known they were the last normal ones I'd ever have! My son, Caden, was feeling bad this Halloween and was thinking of not attending a church function and said he would just go next year. I told him next year he could be in chemo and not able to get out and enjoy the season. We never know what life has in store. Enjoy Thanksgiving this year. Go ahead and put up those decorations, bake the goodies, get out and meet people. Next year your life could change who you are to the core.

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there,
buy and sell, and make a profit”; whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow.
For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away.
Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that.”
James 4: 13-14  

The Many Faces of Chemo

The many faces of chemo:

Horror

Acceptance

Pain

Boredom

Grace

Tiredness

 And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. 

For when I am weak, then I am strong. 

2 Cor. 12:9-10

I am not boasting or taking pleasure in my infirmities as the Apostle Paul did. I am not that strong. But I am hopeful that one day I will be the Christian that God wants me to be. A work in progress, as always! Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoy this silly break in all the seriousness of cancer and it's side effects. :)

Just in Time for Halloween...

Just thought I'd share a couple pics of how freakish I've become lately:

I can now count my eyelashes and brow hairs individually!

My very ugly nails!

 

My nails are partially separated from the nail bed and look horrible! I'm supposed to soak them in a 50% mix of vinegar and water two times a day. I've done a close up on the nails so what you can't see is that EVERY SINGLE NAIL is terrible looking - and my toenails are getting in on the act. The chemo is keeping me alive but is changing how I look.

Then there's my eyebrows and eyelashes, which you can now count individually. And I am only half way through the FAC! I most likely will not have any hair left by the end of November!

Would anybody even recognize me if they haven't seen me in awhile?  Superficial, I know, but still my identity is slowly disappearing. I was Chris, an active wife and mother and now I am a sick cancer patient hiding in my home and avoiding people so I hopefully won't make another trip to the emergency care center again.

And the days are long - there's not much I can do without getting tired so I end up just trying not to be bored. Watch a lame tv show on tv, watch another on the computer. Shuffle some cards so my hands stay busy. Listen to talk radio, listen to a sermon on the web, make myself eat a snack. I feel like I'm living in an old folks home.

I do some laundry every once in a while to at least get some exercise but even that can be taxing. Writing is hard as chemo brain interferes so much with that and with reading books, magazines or even doing crafts! Doing nothing has never been my thing! Boy is God teaching me patience! And to get over myself - looks can change so quickly!

At least God has all my hairs numbered, He knows I am changing but I am still His. He recognizes me and hears me when I call. He even has complete and total strangers praying for me!

With cancer, especially my rare type that may or may not be metastatic, life will never go back to normal. In the future, with every ache, pain or bump, I will wonder - is the cancer is back? Was it metastatic after all? That's a hard life to live.

But God wants me out of life as normal and into His new path for me - relying completely on Him. Taking each day as it comes - as a gift - because it could all be over so quickly and my cancer may come back. Life on the edge is what my life is now, but I have His assurance I am not alone. 

“I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Hebrews 13:5b 

Thank you for reading my blog. Have a blessed day!

Weathering the Storm

I weathered the fever, although it was rough. I had fever for at least four days, it could have been longer but I didn't take my temperature the first couple days I started feeling bad so I don't know for sure if I had fever then. Probably I did, but at least it's over now.

I currently have more strength, thankfully, but still am weaker than I've been since starting any of my chemo treatments. They went ahead and gave me my second FAC just four days after my fever broke. No rest for the weary.

Enjoying the birds at MD Anderson before my second FAC

I also developed a strange set of blisters on my face just after the fever broke and they are taking forever to go away! I've never seen anything like them before and it's adding to the weirdness I see in the mirror - strange blisters, thinning eyebrows, eyelashes that are hardly there anymore and of course, no hair. Well, actually, there are a few wild hairs so that just adds to the freakish look I have going on now. 

But what does it all matter since I don't go anywhere. I'm avoiding crowds to try and keep from getting anything that will give me a fever again. But I avoided them the first time around and got fever anyway so we'll see how well it goes this time. I only have two more treatments to go, but it's going to take another eight weeks to get through it all! I am so ready to be done with this chemo! 

Pretty pigeon!

On the bright side, my hubby got some food today and we went to the park to eat it. We sat in the car with the windows down and enjoyed the cool spell we have going on right now. There wasn't a cloud in the sky, no one was nearby and the breeze was just right. Thank you, Lord, for this little respite in the midst of the madness that is chemo!

*        *        *

  Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? 

And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father’s will.   

But the very hairs of your head are all numbered.  

Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.

Matthew 10:29-31

No Strength Left

Yesterday I had to go to the MD Anderson ER for a 102 fever. After being there for seven hours they finally diagnosed me with two different infections - respiratory and bladder. I am now on two different antibiotics for the next week and I'm still on schedule to do my next FAC infusion in five days.

I honestly don't know how I'm going to make it. I can't do anything right now without breathing heavily and having to sit and rest. I have never felt like this before, my strength is almost completely gone even tho my white blood count wasn't that low, or high, or whatever it is supposed to be. I'm not sure I'll make it through a shower right now! I feel like I haven't slept in ages but all I'm doing is taking it easy. I guess we'll see if the antibiotics make any difference in the next few days. If I don't get some energy soon, I don't see how I'll weather this next set of chemo.

I know I am always asking for prayer, but I don't see how I will make it the next four weeks without prayer!

First F.A.C.

I think this is the longest I've gone without blogging since my cancer diagnosis - 16 days.

Me receiving the 'Red Devil' - Adriamycin

I had my first FAC chemo on Sept. 12th. It seemed to go okay while I was at the infusion center. The next day and a half I didn't feel too different than what I did with the Taxol chemo. 

But on the latter half of the second day I started getting very fatigued. I started dozing on the couch, then I would get up to nap in the recliner, then the chemo fog came back and was thick so I finally went to bed at 8:30 pm, and that's the way it went for the next several days. 

On the following Tuesday I felt like I was coming out of it some, but it came back the next day and I developed sinus problems along with a cough. Thankfully, the allergy meds I'm allowed to take took care of that problem.

Breast Center Lobby Area

I know I am more fatigued now that at any time before. I went out to check the mail yesterday and almost regretted it on the way back. I couldn't believe I could feel that weak so quickly!

Thank God, He saw me safely back to the house where I crashed in a chair for awhile feeling weak and shaky. 

Today I am still fighting fatigue, but I feel a bit more clear-headed than I have in some time. We will see how I do after today and until the next treatment. 

Hopefully, I will have the strength to blog about it before the next visit!

Thinking on Good Things

My church family is taking real good care of me! This is more necessities and even some fun things from 'Just Us Girls'. Thanks so much!

Tomorrow is the last Taxol treatment. I have decided to 'think on good things' about starting the dreaded FAC chemotherapy next week. Here's a list of things to look forward to for the next three months:

5. No shaving my legs or underarms for three more months! Nice side effect. :)  

4. The end of my chemo rash! My hands and feet have gotten pretty bad and I'm so looking forward to them getting back to normal! No more itching or pain while wearing shoes, no more gasping in pain when warm water touches my hands, no more strange looks when people see the rash and think I've got something contagious! Yes!

3. The end of my weird spotty hair scalp. Even though I look bald in pictures, there is still a remnant of sporadic hair that is still growing, giving me a weird look up close. The FAC should take care of any hair that's left.

2. No more weekly visits! Yea! The FAC is so strong that it requires a three week 'rest' period before I get another dose. So, even though this chemotherapy will last three months altogether, I will receive only four treatments and rest in between. Not having to drive to Houston every week will be a blessing and save gas money and mileage on our car!

1. This is the last of the chemo! Big Yea! 

A friend posted something that reminded me of what the bible says: 

"And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

2 Cor. 12:9-10

If my heart is weakened because of the FAC then it is for His glory, "for when I am weak, then I am strong." His strength will be made perfect in my weakness. I am still praying my heart will be ok and I ask for you to continue to pray for the same, but if He sees fit now or in the future to allow my heart to be weakened, then I will try to continue in His will and let His strength be seen through me. But I also have one more verse I read recently that I really, really like:

"Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart,
All you who hope in the Lord."

Psalms 31:24

Eleventh Treatment

One more treatment of Taxol to go then I start the FAC the very next Wednesday.  As I’ve said before, I’m very scared of the possible heart problems this treatment may bring. And it could be any time after, even years later, that I could develop heart problems or even another type of cancer from the FAC!

I’ve realized they’re treating me so aggressively because they aren’t really sure it is just breast cancer in my lymph nodes. When reading up on this FAC treatment I saw many times where it says it’s for metastatic breast cancer. But at my planning meeting three months ago the head doctor said he thought it was a rare form of breast cancer.

At my last doctor visit I asked my main oncologist outright if I’m getting more chemo than most people with just breast cancer because of where it’s located. She said yes. So, even though my cancer is supposed to be a completely treatable rare form of breast cancer, my treatment is actually as if it were metastatic breast cancer, a harder, longer, more dangerous treatment.

So, that leaves me wondering if I will survive my first FAC infusion on Sept. 12. And if I do, what then? Do I go to the doctor with every chest pain I have wondering if it’s a heart attack? How often do I bug my doctor when I have any tightness, flushing, back pain or chest pain that I’m supposed to watch out for?

One of my favorite hats! MDA Aug. 29, 2012

And if I do go to the doc, is there always going to be expensive tests to be done to check out my heart for the rest of my life? Maybe so, only God knows. It’s easy to say the words ‘Rest in Him or trust in Him’ but it’s a whole lot harder to live it! But I have to now.

I can’t go fretting my life away. Either God is going to give me direction or He’s not. The choice is mine on what to believe. God tells me He’s an ever present help in times of trouble (Ps. 46:1). He will never leave me nor forsake me, and when I am afraid to trust in Him, as it says in Heb. 13:5b-6:

 “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” So we may boldly say: “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?”

I admit, it isn’t easy. I have to remind myself of these verses every single day, as the battle of the mind is always raging. Satan wants me to be fearful and to fret about the future, or the present. But God wants me to trust in Him, to feel safe in Him even if circumstances don’t feel all that safe.

It’s an ongoing lesson and I’ll keep studying. 

Accumulating Chemo

During Chemo Infusion @ MDA 8/22/12

The accumulating effects of chemo are...well, accumulating. I am foggier than ever, I feel terrible and my hands and feet hurt any time I use them. I am tired and weak and doubting I can last another three months. 

They tell me that my chemo rash will go away once I'm off the Taxol, so even though I'm not wanting to do the FAC chemo, at least I'll have something to look forward to! Right now my fingertips are so painful I can hardly open bottles to take my medicines! I can't stand to wear shoes as the rash is really bad on them and more painful than itchy. So, at least there is some good to changing chemo treatments.

I am weak and shaky today and yet I have errands to run. Please pray for me to have the strength I'm going to need to last another three and a half months through chemo! And not to have any heart problems or bad reactions from the FAC! Knowing there are people praying for me helps me not to feel alone in this battle. Please pray the following verses for me so I can be the child that He wants me to be. Thank you for your prayers!

For this reason we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding; that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God;  strengthened with all might, according to His glorious power, for all patience and longsuffering with joy;  giving thanks to the Father who has qualified us to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in the light.  Colossians 1:9-12

Donations

At least I have a nicely shaped head! : )

I've been in another 'chemo fog' for days now. It's finally lifted enough to where I think I can write coherently. We will see. 

My brother-in-law has set up an account for donations for anyone who feels led to help. I put the link in the right column of this page at the bottom of the 'About Me' section. But I'll also put it here: http://www.payitsquare.com/collect-page/7192

We have friends and family who are also planning fundraisers. I used to be very uncomfortable with the thought of having to take help from others, but now that I have cancer and the bills are rolling in I can't see any other way to pay them or to get through the weekly MD Anderson visits then to ask for help. As I said in the 'About Me' section, we were already near $10,000 in medical debt just from the kids medical bills before my cancer diagnosis in May. Now it's climbing rapidly, even with insurance!

It has made a big difference with the gas cards and parking money others have already generously given us. Parking at MD Anderson is $15 each visit and I go once weekly at the moment, plus it's a two hour drive to get there and we use half a tank of gas each week for the visit. 

But I don't want this blog to be about getting donations. That's why after today the link will only be at the bottom of the 'About Me' box. If you feel led to give, that's great!  If not, please don't! God will provide as He always has. Either way, please keep the prayers coming, that's what we need most of all - prayers of healing and provision! May God bless each of you very much!

Houston Skyline as we drive in to MD Anderson

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.  

For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.  

Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone?   

Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent?   

If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, 

how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him! 

Matt. 7:7-11

Harder than I Knew

Cancer is harder than I ever knew. Harder physically and way harder mentally. 

The physical side effects of treatment are tough - as I was typing this just now my hands started itching badly from the chemo rash that is on each one. So I stopped, walked upstairs and put on more of the greasy ointment to try and get the itching to stop. It doesn't seem to be working too well at the moment.

Then there's the all over achiness I feel almost every day. Its like I'm getting sick - just a general unwell feeling that I've had for the last eight weeks of chemo. Sometimes the achiness gets so bad the pain medicine doesn't even touch it, then I hurt a lot. It makes me think of Job - how long did he have to sit aching and hurting from his boils? It must have felt like forever, too.

Food just doesn't taste right anymore. The chemo is giving everything a funny taste. I have to keep asking my family if whatever we're eating tastes ok to them. So far they've always said yes, so it's just me. Not that it's helping me lose weight, if anything, I seem to be gaining. But that could be the steroids I'm given every week before the chemo to help keep from having a reaction. They told me I might gain weight from it.

Thinking about the future is tough. I'm not looking forward to any more treatments even though I want to be cancer free.  The next set of chemo scares me, I'm dreading the pain of surgery and hoping it won't affect the use of my arm. Radiation doesn't sound like fun nor do the drugs I'm supposed to be on after all the rest is over.

I'm tired all the time and combined with the hurting it makes it hard to be strong. I'd like to go out and eat with my husband again, or see a movie or even go grocery shopping! I feel like I'm sitting in this house just watching life pass by.

My son had his 20th birthday last Friday. I started wondering if this will be the last birthday that I'm here with him. I wish I could have made it special - like we always try to do - but I don't have the strength, energy, time or money to do anything more than say happy birthday. And Bryan is run ragged trying to do both Mom and Dad's jobs while working full time.

Yeah, cancer is harder than I ever knew. Harder to take up the slack for someone who is no longer able to do for themselves, harder on the loved ones who have to watch them suffer and harder on the patient than I ever thought! The dread, the worry, the pain...I had no idea what cancer patients went through. If nothing else, I definitely have more sympathy for anyone who has been diagnosed with cancer. It is life altering!

At least they keep me laughing!

Beautiful Lady

When I'm with someone in person I don't talk a lot about how I feel, but when I write, I sometimes think I reveal more of me than I should. And that can lead to confusion, which is my problem, not yours - I need to work on my communication skills.

For example, a few posts ago I revealed a lot of inner feelings, but from some comments on the post and through private messaging, points seemed to be made that I wasn't trying to convey at all. So, I shortened the post dramatically, leaving just the first part and retitled it 'Rainbows.' I think it goes over much better now. ;)

That's the problem with me writing and knowing what to say and what not to say. I'm afraid that I will say too much and hurt someone unintentionally, especially my family, when I'm just trying to convey feelings. I really need to study writing a lot more than only what I did my senior year in high school (and I won't say how long ago that was - but we were still doing actual carbon copies on the typewriter in my 'secretarial skills' class!)

On to MD Anderson. Today, there was only one minor problem. I didn't have them access my port first because of time constraints so I went to the blood center to get an old-fashioned blood draw. When the lady took my blood through my vein, after inserting the needle she thought she had it in the right place, but when the blood didn't flow she MOVED THE NEEDLE INSIDE MY SKIN. Ouch! It's left a pretty good mark and bled for a bit, but didn't hurt for long. I think the thought of it moving inside my skin hurt more than the actual doing of it! Maybe.

But that was the extent of the problems. The pre-meds were infused at the right speed and the Taxol (chemo drug) was as well, so no problems of after that, which led to a pretty good day.  Better than last week when they started my port but had a problem with the flow return, which happens 'once in a blue moon.' She worked it out and everything was okay, but it was tense - she was, I was.  *Sigh.

So, when I went back out to sit with Bryan, I suddenly started crying. (He didn't go with me this time as I had told him I would be fine. :/ )  I guess the stress just hit me - every week it's something new to deal with - something unexpected, some bad reaction that may be serious, some new test that has to be ordered. Even tho everything has worked out ok, it's hard to deal with all this new stuff and still have the peace of God. I guess that's something I have to work on, or that God is working out in me. Peace in the midst of the storm.

But it did lead this beautiful 83 year old lady to talk to me. She was just so happy and had a great outlook on life even tho she was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was 47, a year younger than I am now! She talked to me and the beauty of her spirit (and she was beautiful on the outside, too) was just amazing to me!

Me, coming home from MD Anderson today!

This gist of what she said was "I have handled this for 25 years, you can, too." I hope I can with as much grace and spirit as I saw in her! God sent her to me as a special gift and I'd like to thank Him for it:

"Thank you, Lord, for bringing her into my life, and for her charm and grace while having a life threatening disease. Please give her many more years and let her life touch many more others!"

It reminded me how God is always looking out for me. He brought me this lady with an encouraging word just when I needed it. Isn't that great?!

"For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you 

nor forsake you.” So we may boldly say:

“The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. 

What can man do to me?”

Heb. 13:5-6 

Today

Today I actually had some energy and managed to accomplish several tasks without the usual 'chemo fog' clouding my thinking. I don't know how it happened, but I am grateful that it did. I was able to craft up some thank you cards, get them addressed and ready to mail, and put all the craft stuff back up where it belongs. Then I brought some clothes downstairs to be washed, put clean sheets on the bed all by myself and found some cool apps for my new iPhone. Funny how things that I used to do without thinking are now counted as big accomplishments!

At MD Anderson for another Chemo treatment

Chemo fog is a big pain - most of the time it's just hard to concentrate. Watching movies takes some staying power as my attention span keeps jumping from subject to subject to subject. I do better with tv series since they're shorter, but sometimes even those are hard to finish. Reading is worse, it has to be in real short snippets, which is a shame because I love to read! So being able to start and finish several projects without feeling 'foggy' was a blessing.

The chemo rash on my hands is getting worse and is becoming one huge connected rash on my left hand. It is now painful as well as itchy and besides being on my head, it is now spreading to my foot. Oh, well, at least it's all supposed to be temporary and should go away when I'm done with the Taxol.

I still find myself worrying about the future, dreading the next set of chemo treatments, and wondering how hard it will be to recover from the surgery. I have to remind myself that "Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof" - to take one day at a time. Then I further have to remind myself that "What time I am afraid I will trust in Thee." I have to trust Him, no matter what my future looks like. And pray, pray for others as well as myself. 

Stay in His word, keep His word in my heart, and pray. Yep, just what a Christian is supposed to do! :o)

Effects

Seven chemo treatments down and five more of this set to go.  The effects are accumulating now. I am having more tired days and Saturday was the first day that I stayed in bed nearly all day - I just did not have any strength.

I am also starting to get the pins and needles effect on my feet and sometimes numbness. At least it just comes and goes for now and hopefully will not become an around the clock thing! 

On Sunday I had a little more energy but felt like I was getting sick - my throat hurt and I ached all over. The pain meds they gave me didn't help one bit. Thinking it might get better I waited, but on Tuesday had to message the nurse to see if I could increase my pain medicine. 

Unfortunately, the rash is worse than it appears in this photo!

Meanwhile, I have developed a 'chemo rash' on my hands and arms which hurts quite a bit whenever warm or hot water is used. Otherwise they itch like the dickens! 

Over the counter meds aren't helping much so they are calling in a prescription cream for the rash and also said I could up my pain medicine to two pills at a time. They are a narcotic so after all this is over, I may be addicted to them! 

But I'll deal with that later, right now relief is a blessed thing!

While writing this I got a message that my father-in-law is on his way to the ER after putting a screwdriver nearly all the way through to his thumb! Please pray he won't need surgery or get an infection! 

My mother-in-law was going to take my son, Caden, to the doctor today because he is having problems with recurring infections and one is particularly bad right now. So it looks like Bryan will have to take off time from work, again, to take Cade to visit the doctor, as I just had my chemo treatment yesterday and take a lot of drugs the next few days to counter the effects. Funny, but they don't want me to drive while taking them. ;)

Sometimes all the medical visits in the Welborn family astounds me! I remember being blown away when both of my children had medical problems. Now that I have cancer, I realize, like my mother-in-law says; "It could always be worse!" And that is so true! So now I try to find something to thank God for every day because it could always be worse! :)

"Rejoice always,  pray without ceasing,  in everything give thanks; 

for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

I Thess. 5:16-18

Update: My father-in-law is out of the ER and it didn't hit the bone, thank you Lord! And my mother-in-law will be able to take my son to his doctor after all so my hubby can stay and get his work done. God is good! 

Rainbows

I'm back! I feel better emotionally even though I'm not doing better physically. Thank you so much, everyone, for the prayers! Dealing with physical problems is much better than dealing with despair: 

"A merry heart does good, like medicine,
But a broken spirit dries the bones."

Pr. 17:22 

With nearly every trip to MD Anderson we have seen a rainbow! A miracle!  : )

Crybaby

I had just made a big post about how I was feeling today - all of it complaints. As I got to the very last sentence - the very last word, something happened and the post disappeared. No matter what I did I could not get it back.

So I'll sum it up; I'm sick of cancer - I don't want to have it anymore. I don't know how I'm going to face 18 more weeks of chemo and I'm afraid the next set - the FAC - (one is known as the Red Devil) - will give me permanent heart damage.

The bills are starting to roll in, if I thought it was hard making ends meet with two kids and all their medical problems it's impossible with cancer. Even with insurance.

Cara's last year of school was supposed to be this next year (I homeschool - or did, anyway.) Cara will have to homeschool herself now or go another year before she graduates. How can I make plans when I know I will be unavailable at best - or dead at worst? Morbid, I know, but that's what I've been thinking, to be totally honest.

Next year was supposed to be a big year for our family - Cara is turning 18, Caden 21, Bryan 50 - all big milestones. Our 25th Anniversary is next year, too, or is it? I don't know anymore.

Well, this sums up the big long complaining post I had. Guess I didn't need all those words after all. I know I need to read my Bible and think on good things. Maybe tomorrow, tonight I'm sulking.

The Plan

The Pastor of our church has a saying; "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him you have a plan." 

I had a plan earlier this year - it was going to be a 'me' year. I felt I had put all my energy, all of anything I wanted, all of my plans on the back burner while raising our kids. Then I had helped my son deal with his Crohn's disease for nearly six years, and had been doing everything in my power to help my daughter figure out why she was having fainting spells and other health issues (which we just found out on July 11th what was wrong.) It wasn't like I was going to quit being their Mom, but I was definitely going to be doing more of what I wanted and not so much cooking or looking after their interests. If any of you know me you would understand how difficult it was for me to put myself first instead of my kids. But I managed to push aside the guilt and get started.

Traveling home from MD Anderson

The first thing was to lose some extra pounds I had put on in the last few years. I had never spent money to do that, I've always tried to lose weight on my own. However, I decided to join Weight Watchers online to give myself more motivation. I was actually spending money on me! I was going strong and staying within the guidelines very well and losing weight, albeit slower than I wanted, but still losing.

The next item on my checklist was I would get my very own bike. My whole life I have never had a bike that was all my own. When I was young I had to share a bike with my older, and much taller sister, or borrow one of my brother's bikes, but I never had one that I could call my very own. 

The last few years I had wanted to buy a bike for myself but I kept putting it off because my kids don't even have their own bikes at the moment (they outgrew what they had.) So, once again, 'mother's guilt' took over and I couldn't buy myself a bike when my kids didn't even have one!

Anyway, I didn't want to go bicycling all by myself - it wouldn't be as much fun. But there never seemed to be enough money for four bikes, helmets and whatever else was needed to furnish four people with proper bikes and safety gear all at once. Then my husband suggested we just get two bikes - one for me and one for him. That way we could ride together. Seemed kind of wicked, but he won me over, after all, isn't this supposed to be my year? So, that was the plan - we were going to get us bikes at first, the kids could borrow them until we could get them their own bicycles later. Sounded like a good plan!

On to the next item of my agenda for me - getting my hair in a completely new style. (Oh, the irony!) Add a makeover and taking better care of myself by always wearing makeup every day - maybe even going to a manicurist for the first time in my life, and taking good care of my skin by buying the best lotion and using it after every shower!

I'm sure he didn't 'plan' on being the shopper now!

I had always wanted to take dancing lessons with my husband. Dancing with Bryan was one of my most romantic ideas. We did dance for the first time (in public) last year when we were checking out a band for his parents 50th Anniversary party. I loved it!

Maybe it's that I'm approaching 50, but the more 'me' time was about doing things I had never done before - I wanted some changes in my life.

Well, change is definitely here, but not in the way I had planned! Oh, to be fair, some things on my list are happening - I have a radical new hair style, I am showering every day and putting on lotion to keep my the chemo from drying out my skin. My nails are looking pretty good at the moment. I can't go for a manicure but I have to keep my cuticles in good condition to prevent cracking and infection, so for the first time ever I'm using a cuticle brush and cream daily to keep them in top shape. 

Dancing and biking have been put off for awhile. So has Weight Watchers. Makeup - forget it! Most of the time they don't want me to wear any to my appointments so they can check my skin and I don't go out as much anymore so...it seems pointless to wear it.

One week I lost four pounds but gained back three the next week. This is only the first of the chemo sessions. My doctor tells me the next one will be tougher - when I start the 3 in 1 treatment, FAC - it has a lot of not so nice side effects. The weight loss then might be more dramatic.

It is the year of me, but not in the way I had planned. I am getting some attention, but it's not the same. I must have made God laugh with all this 'me' business. And the one thing I forgot was to ask Him what His will was for me this year. I had made my plans, but I didn't inquire of God. 

Amazing Sky!

In Joshua chapter nine there is a very interesting story about how the men of Israel were deceived into making a pact with their enemy. The important part is in verse 14 - "but they did not ask counsel of the Lord." They made the pact without inquiring what God's will was for them. I had made my plans, but I forgot to ask God what He wanted me to do this year. I hope I don't make that mistake again.

*     *     *

"Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there, 

buy and sell, and make a profit”; whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. 

For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away.  

Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that.” 

James 4:13-15

Grace

I feel like such a fraud! Many people have told me that I am an inspiration to them, they tell me how well I am handling my diagnosis and chemo, how admirably I am facing what the future holds, how great it is that I can still smile when my daughter was just diagnosed with P.O.T.S., while my son still struggles with his Crohn's disease, all the while traveling to Houston and dealing with mounting medical bills, and so on and so on. If they could only see me on the inside! 

Usually, I'm just a quivering mass of human flesh. So I thought I would share, in specific detail, how I handle the moments I get scared, or angry, or worried. 

Pretty!

One time, when I was getting a contrast CT scan, I was told that some people don't react well to the iodine and to let them know the if I started having a reaction. Since I seem to be sensitive to certain medicines (and had passed out completely the day before) I was nervous about having a bad reaction.

As I lay on the table about to undergo the procedure, scared and trembling, the only way I figured I could get through this was to start quoting scripture. So I tried to recall any scripture I had ever memorized, and these came to mind:

"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee."  "I will never leave thee nor forsake thee." "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want." "Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." (Ps. 56:3, Heb. 13:5, Ps. 23:1, Jn 14:27)

AND... 

"I will lift up my eyes to the hills

From whence comes my help?

My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth.

He will not allow your foot to be moved;
He who keeps you will not slumber.

Behold, He who keeps Israel
Shall neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord is your keeper;
The Lord is your shade at your right hand.

The sun shall not strike you by day,
Nor the moon by night.

The Lord shall preserve you from all evil;
He shall preserve your soul.The Lord shall preserve your going out and your coming in
From this time forth, and even forevermore."

 Psalms 121

There was more scripture that I memorized as a child and into adulthood that I mentally quoted to myself, but you get the picture.

After reciting these verses, I can't say a great calmness overcame me, or that I was okay with everything that was happening or anything even approaching a miracle occurred. But I can say it kept me occupied as I tried to remember all the scriptures I had learned through the years. Before I knew it, the procedure was over and I didn't have any bad reactions!

During the longer scans, like the forty-minute MRI, sometimes I would be so nervous that I couldn't remember that many verses, so I would quote the ones I could recall over and over again and somehow made it through the process without moving and messing up the imaging or having a reaction, again - a gift from God!

What I have learned through all this is sometimes we want God to carry us through the storm, to lift us up so our feet won't touch the mucky ground. We hope that He will lift us so high that we can't stumble and we'll rise above our circumstances. 

But sometimes God just holds our hand and walks us through it, or sits down beside us - just as a comforter would. Sometimes He doesn't take away all the pain of the needles, or the difficulty of a forty-minute scan or the side effects of the chemo, but His grace is surrounding us - through the prayers of His people, through our faith in His love, through His word which does not return void, He is enabling us to make it when we don't have the strength to do it ourselves.

My hubby, always taking pictures!

When I was first diagnosed with cancer, after the whirlwind of the first few days had passed, I was sitting on my bed, alone, and it hit me how big this all is, how cancer kills people, how I might die from this - and it became too much for me. I broke down and sobbed and cried and told God how I could not handle this.

Then I remembered the book 'The Hiding Place' by Corrie Ten Boom's book, when her father had told her that at the right time, just when they needed it, God gives people their 'ticket' to get them through a particularly difficult circumstance, like facing death. Her father likened it to when they would get on a train to travel, the time he gave her the ticket was just before she got on the train - just when she needed it. 

So I started asking God to 'give me my ticket' because I didn't have the strength to handle what was ahead. I didn't have the strength to fight this disease, I was scared - terrified, actually.

It didn't happen all at once, but I slowly started gaining control over my sobbing and shortly thereafter wasn't even crying anymore nor worried how I was going to handle all this.  Then I got up, washed my face and headed downstairs to be with my family, smiling again. God had given me my ticket.

When I'm told I'm an inspiration, I feel uncomfortable because I know how much of a cry baby I really am. But God's grace is here, even if it isn't an 'over the top, abundant, visible, shouting from the rooftop', kind of grace. 

There have been times in my life when God has worked a miracle, but so far this journey is just one step at a time - while holding my Father's hand. And strangely enough, that's okay for now.  :)