Just thought I'd share a couple pics of how freakish I've become lately:
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| I can now count my eyelashes and brow hairs individually! |
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| My very ugly nails! |
My nails are partially separated from the nail bed and look horrible! I'm supposed to soak them in a 50% mix of vinegar and water two times a day. I've done a close up on the nails so what you can't see is that EVERY SINGLE NAIL is terrible looking - and my toenails are getting in on the act. The chemo is keeping me alive but is changing how I look.
Then there's my eyebrows and eyelashes, which you can now count individually. And I am only half way through the FAC! I most likely will not have any hair left by the end of November!
Would anybody even recognize me if they haven't seen me in awhile? Superficial, I know, but still my identity is slowly disappearing. I was Chris, an active wife and mother and now I am a sick cancer patient hiding in my home and avoiding people so I hopefully won't make another trip to the emergency care center again.
And the days are long - there's not much I can do without getting tired so I end up just trying not to be bored. Watch a lame tv show on tv, watch another on the computer. Shuffle some cards so my hands stay busy. Listen to talk radio, listen to a sermon on the web, make myself eat a snack. I feel like I'm living in an old folks home.
I do some laundry every once in a while to at least get some exercise but even that can be taxing. Writing is hard as chemo brain interferes so much with that and with reading books, magazines or even doing crafts! Doing nothing has never been my thing! Boy is God teaching me patience! And to get over myself - looks can change so quickly!
At least God has all my hairs numbered, He knows I am changing but I am still His. He recognizes me and hears me when I call. He even has complete and total strangers praying for me!
With cancer, especially my rare type that may or may not be metastatic, life will never go back to normal. In the future, with every ache, pain or bump, I will wonder - is the cancer is back? Was it metastatic after all? That's a hard life to live.
But God wants me out of life as normal and into His new path for me - relying completely on Him. Taking each day as it comes - as a gift - because it could all be over so quickly and my cancer may come back. Life on the edge is what my life is now, but I have His assurance I am not alone.
“I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
Hebrews 13:5b
Thank you for reading my blog. Have a blessed day!
I feel ya Christine. When I have a pain in my cheek I automatically think "Ok this it, it's spread through the nerves". I am so tired of Netflix and daytime tv. With books thrown in from time to time. Even trusting in our Lord those thoughts are still going to go through our minds and that's normal. The Guillian Barre' syndrome gives me the most problems now. So if the cancer isn't raising it's head it's the other. Praying for you and that the Lord puts all sorts of good things in your path to occupy your mind while you have to indure this.
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you each and every day that God gives the strength you need for the hour ,the clear head for the task and the love to share His hope to others (when you get the chance) ...like you do when you write on here .I have a longing for a brighter hour/day /month /year /lifetime ,all for you ....You are being lifted up as we speak, by so many folks ,that have never met or might never met personally...But They are calling on God and speaking your name to Him ..all the while touching their life and bring them closer to God through their prayers for you .hang in there and keep reminding yourself He loves you ...like no one else does ...He really loves you ...We are sure He is in control and we have a resting place in him ...Hang in there and know we are all praying ,when we can't do anything else, we are praying for you .We love you bunches ...Gayle W.
ReplyDeleteI love you my precious friend and sister.
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