I'm back! I feel better
emotionally even though I'm not doing better physically. Thank you so much,
everyone, for the prayers! Dealing with physical problems is much better than
dealing with despair:
"A merry heart does good, like
medicine,
But a broken spirit dries the bones."
But a broken spirit dries the bones."
Pr. 17:22
 |
| With nearly every trip to MD Anderson we have seen a rainbow! A miracle! : ) |
Dearest,
ReplyDeleteJust stumbled across your blog and want you to know you have found a sister and one who will pray for you. God has chosen similar trials for my life, and it is soul-shattering, to say the least, and I understand what you are going through. It is so hard to trust that He knows what He is doing when He may choose to take us away from the family He gave us for our ministry. But that is faith, is it not? That He does not NEED us--He just loves us and wants us. Our children are perfectly safe with Him--with us or without us. He is perfect in all His ways. Doesn't mean my heart doesn't ache any less--the trial is hard.
God is only good--if He was not, then He would not be God--God worth our faith and our love. And trusting that He is good even when we cannot possibly understand what or why He is doing...
That is faith. Saving faith. Being reduced to nothing but faith.
That is all I have to offer Him. Faith. I have no other understanding, and absolutely nothing left. No strength. No capabilities. My ability even to care for my family (6 children ages 9 months to 18) is diminishing.
But all He wants from me is faith. Faith that He is good. Faith that my children will be cared for, and drawn to Him, and have the best chance of knowing Him--with or without me to guide them. Faith that the world will not come to a screeching halt if I am not an active part of it. Faith that I am nothing and He is everything.
Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. He knows how it hurts. He is the only one who knows exactly how it hurts. But in the way you would hold your own child through the "needle" that heals them, in the same way He is holding you. He knows exactly what is best and is always working good.
In a way, Him possibly calling us to a physical death (which may not happen, but you and I both know how fragile health is now) is no different than what He calls us to anyway--complete surrender to Him and His will, and death to our self. If He chooses to take me, then my prayer that I am already "dead," and my self-preservation, self-will, self-life is no longer intact. If He chooses to leave me, then I pray that I am still "dead." Dead to self, and Christ only alive through me.
Will be praying for you.
C. Anderson
Wow, C. Anderson, you should have your own blog! This really spoke to me - everything that you wrote. I am so glad you found my blog and appreciate you writing such inspiring words - the very words I needed to hear today. Thank you.
DeleteI am praying about writing a new blog--I wrote one for seven years, but some of the trials I have faced lately made me feel too incompetent to write of Him. I have been overwhelmed and it is all I can do just to seek Him. But one of the dear friends I made on my old blog is a follower of your blog, which is how I found you.
ReplyDeleteToday as I was praying for us both, it really struck me that for the one who has Jesus Christ as LORD, and who is truly submitted to Him, buried in the likeness of His death--my daily life as a physically healthy woman would be no different than dying a physical death. There would be no difference.
There would be no difference.
It would not be a struggle. It would be just fine--peace. Dying is not scary if you're already dead. And Jesus calls us to do just that! Doesn't matter how we feel today! Doesn't matter if he grants us health for a while, or not. His calling doesn't change. The life of the physical body is irrelevant!
I am thanking God for the opportunity to learn this lesson for how to LIVE for Him by dying myself. It is a gift of faith--from above, and that not of myself. What a precious gift. The most valuable treasure of all-for without Faith, it is impossible to please God. He is giving us faith, sister. There is nothing more precious.
Nothing.
He loves us, dearest. Oh so much! I will pray that we are both able to submit fully, as though dead. Our lives are already hid with Christ--if we have truly surrendered. I will pray that we will rest in His perfect love, in the hand that already holds us--through our faith and trust in His perfect, infinite, goodness.
And also as I was praying for us, I was reminded to just think of TODAY, and take no thought for tomorrow--for who knows what tomorrow will bring? We don't know which way the wind blows, so how can we plan tomorrow? Today, I am here, in my home, with my children. No, I can't walk, or drive, and am weak physically, but I am submitted fully to Christ my Lord TODAY, and He can do with me what He wills today. I am resting in His love. I will pray without ceasing and watch and wait earnestly for Him. I am loving my children--what a precious gift to have today! I am having my 7yo help me with chores I cannot do (who knew he could do so much--what a chance for growth and responsibility for this little man!), and I am going to putter at the school desk and have the little ones start setting up their new school books. I was able to get some laundry in. I'm going to play Candyland and Trouble with my little guys (3 & 4), I'm going to crawl around with my precious, gooey babe. I'm going to remember that the world doesn't come to a screeching halt if I can't do the dishes. I'm going to give my 18yo a hug when he comes home from work and see if I can offer him any support or encouragement. I am going to work on a project that I know my husband wants me to get done--one I can do from my couch.
Just today. God bless you today. I will be praying for you as I continually beg God to help me, too.
Begging is an understatement.
Your Sister,
Camilla Anderson
Camilla, I will pray with you about your blog and for you to have strength. What you said about Faith is so true. For me, it's a struggle - all of my Christian life. You sound like you've got it together, me - I'm trying to keep it together!
ReplyDeleteIt is a daily battle. I have to take up my cross daily, dying to what I want or wish of my life. Like something so simple as being the one waited on instead of waiting on others - it's completely foreign to me.
My family is trying to fill my shoes and realizing it's taking all three of them to do what I used to do on a regular basis. Not that I was superwoman, but I did take on more than I should have - I realize now I should have delegated more. If I had, they might have been better prepared to cope with life as it is now.
But it's hard for them because they have their own health issues and daily regimens that I am no longer able to keep up with or remind them about.
I can't imagine what you must be going through with having little ones as well as older children. May God bless you and keep you and provide the help you need to get through this struggle!
Love,
Chris
Sent my way today:
ReplyDeleteThe Thorn by Martha Snell Nicholson
I stood a mendicant of God before His royal throne
And begged him for one priceless gift, which I could call my own.
I took the gift from out His hand, but as I would depart
I cried, "But Lord this is a thorn and it has pierced my heart.
This is a strange, a hurtful gift, which Thou hast given me."
He said, "My child, I give good gifts and gave My best to thee."
I took it home and though at first the cruel thorn hurt sore,
As long years passed I learned at last to love it more and more.
I learned He never gives a thorn without this added grace,
He takes the thorn to pin aside the veil which hides His face.
--From Cam Anderson