Eleventh Treatment

One more treatment of Taxol to go then I start the FAC the very next Wednesday.  As I’ve said before, I’m very scared of the possible heart problems this treatment may bring. And it could be any time after, even years later, that I could develop heart problems or even another type of cancer from the FAC!

I’ve realized they’re treating me so aggressively because they aren’t really sure it is just breast cancer in my lymph nodes. When reading up on this FAC treatment I saw many times where it says it’s for metastatic breast cancer. But at my planning meeting three months ago the head doctor said he thought it was a rare form of breast cancer.

At my last doctor visit I asked my main oncologist outright if I’m getting more chemo than most people with just breast cancer because of where it’s located. She said yes. So, even though my cancer is supposed to be a completely treatable rare form of breast cancer, my treatment is actually as if it were metastatic breast cancer, a harder, longer, more dangerous treatment.

So, that leaves me wondering if I will survive my first FAC infusion on Sept. 12. And if I do, what then? Do I go to the doctor with every chest pain I have wondering if it’s a heart attack? How often do I bug my doctor when I have any tightness, flushing, back pain or chest pain that I’m supposed to watch out for?

One of my favorite hats! MDA Aug. 29, 2012

And if I do go to the doc, is there always going to be expensive tests to be done to check out my heart for the rest of my life? Maybe so, only God knows. It’s easy to say the words ‘Rest in Him or trust in Him’ but it’s a whole lot harder to live it! But I have to now.

I can’t go fretting my life away. Either God is going to give me direction or He’s not. The choice is mine on what to believe. God tells me He’s an ever present help in times of trouble (Ps. 46:1). He will never leave me nor forsake me, and when I am afraid to trust in Him, as it says in Heb. 13:5b-6:

 “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” So we may boldly say: “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?”

I admit, it isn’t easy. I have to remind myself of these verses every single day, as the battle of the mind is always raging. Satan wants me to be fearful and to fret about the future, or the present. But God wants me to trust in Him, to feel safe in Him even if circumstances don’t feel all that safe.

It’s an ongoing lesson and I’ll keep studying.