Emotions

I’m a cry baby. Forget crying when you’re sad or happy (I cry at both,) I also cry when I’m angry, frustrated, tired, or confused. I cry at sad songs, or even just melancholy ones. I’ll cry at the movie theater, in a restaurant, in a hotel lobby, or just driving to church with a face full of make-up! I’m a crier!

I’ve always admired those women you see in movies or on TV who never let their emotions show. I wish I could be as icy as they are. Sometimes I’ve wished that I didn’t have any emotions so when something upsets me I won’t start crying about it in a public place! Or when someone is rude to me I can just stare right back at them until THEY look away.

Instead, I act like a little girl with my lower lip trembling and turn away so they won’t see the tears come into my eyes. Oh, if I could just find some way to control my emotions!

A few years ago I was helping at our church’s VBS. It’s a huge affair and can get stressful (another trigger for my waterworks!) One of the leaders came to me with a conflict about something that I can’t even remember now, but I do recall tears welling up in my eyes as she talked to me. I could see her surprise at my tears and she said, “I bet you’re one of those people who have all the spices in their cabinets all organized and everything in its place.” Surprised, I replied, “I wish!” and laughed. Then I realized she was trying to figure out my personality and why I was crying – and I thought ‘Good luck with that, I can’t even figure it out!’

But something occurred to me this morning - as little as it takes to make me cry is about the same amount it takes to make me happy. Something as simple as standing outside for a moment and watching the birds hop around, looking for bugs, taking a bath, squabbling with each other, I love it.

Even something as simple as helping someone choose the right coffee maker in a chance meeting at a store can make me happy. That happened yesterday and I’m still smiling about it today. Maybe because this person I helped is someone I have tried for years to be close to at my church, to no avail. It’s the same person who saw me cry at VBS years ago – a person whose respect I feel I’ve never had.

This lady and I attended the same Sunday School class for years, but I was always held at arms length. One time, she even was short tempered with me in front of the other ladies at a class social. I was humiliated. But still, I went to the same class, like a lost little puppy trying to get approval.

It took years, but I finally quit the class and gave up on ever being close to her, or to just about anyone in that class. I felt better. Well, I sorta felt better. Kinda like a ‘when you give up all hope you feel better’ thingy. At least I wasn’t trying so hard anymore!

So it was a surprise yesterday when this lady came up to my husband and I at the store and asked for our opinion on a coffee maker. And even more surprising - I wasn’t nervous around her.  Maybe it was because I had given up on a friendship or approval, or perhaps my battle with cancer this past year has changed me. Whatever it was, I was able to converse articulately with this person and help her make a decision.

I gave my opinion on the coffee makers as I had researched them just a few months before - when I had to stay in Houston for five weeks during my radiation therapy. At the time I had thought that if this might be my last days on earth I might as well splurge for a nice coffee maker!

Anyway, this lady seemed surprised and impressed with how much I knew about the subject. I had always felt I was under-estimated in her opinion. But, like most people, she probably never thought about me at all. I dwell way too much on what I think other people are thinking of me. At almost 50 years of age this really shouldn’t bother me anymore!

But as I reflected this morning on the chance encounter yesterday and how pleasant it was, it made me smile. It was then that I realized how something so small could make me happy. That in turn made me think maybe it isn’t such a bad thing to be crybaby. Especially if all it takes to make me smile again is something as simple as a few minutes spent helping someone choose a coffee maker.

One Year Since Cancer Diagnosis

One year ago today I received my cancer diagnosis. What a horrible ride it’s been.

I know I should be grateful. And I am. I am glad I am here today to…commemorate this anniversary. The lump under my arm grew so big so fast that I am truly grateful I was able to get into MD Anderson as quickly as I did.

But my life has irrevocably changed. After the surgery, I feel maimed. My arm is completely numb underneath as well as the surrounding area, still. It may be that way forever. And it doesn’t work like it used to, and to keep motion in that arm I’m supposed to do special exercises, every day, forever.

But because of the lymphedema it’s looking like I may not be able to do much physical activity. MD Anderson was very vague about what to expect, maybe because every body is different. But apparently I can’t do much yet, if ever, or I will have swelling. After the events of this past week I’m beginning to wonder if I ever will be able to bike ride again, or go horse back riding or even do the mundane, yet necessary, scrubbing of the bathroom tile without having swelling afterward?

Then there’s the daily bout with my thought life. Some days are better than others; I can just shrug off morbid thoughts and go on thanking God for what I’ve got. Then other days are not so good. I think about cancer and my death.  I think about what I haven’t accomplished, what I should have accomplished, what I wish I had done. Can I make up for it now? Do I have time? What is it that I should be doing? Can I commit to anything? And on it goes.

Then there’s the, I don’t know, stupidness? - if that’s a word, of it all. Like scrubbing the bathroom clean and getting new shower curtains cause it’s just been too long and they need replacing, yet while I’m at the store trying to decide what to get and hoping the new pains I’m having are from the lymphedema and not cancer, and that my lower back pains that have come on suddenly are just because I’m getting busy with house work again, and not cancer…that I think, if I’m dying, does any of this matter?

What does it matter how clean the house is or how I’ve never finished decorating the bathrooms or our bedroom - if I’m dying?! Then I almost laugh out loud of the sillyness and pointlessness of making the house look good when you think you may die soon. Then I start wondering what is important, really important, in the day to day activities after a cancer diagnosis?

What is normal after cancer? Is it normal to go back to normal? It doesn’t feel like it should be that way. It feels like I better get out my ‘bucket list’ and get busy, because I may not have much longer! But if I spend time/money on ME, then that is selfish and I shouldn’t be like that. Not only am I a Mom, but I am also a Christian – which is supposed to be the epitome of selflessness. So, do I now throw myself into ‘Christian’ works, especially since my youngest is turning 18 this week?

After cancer is scary, and weird and uncertain. And on top of that major life changes and milestones are happening in my family and it’s leaving me confused about what my role is now. I am praying and have been praying for years that God would show me my purpose, but I’ve never gotten a clear answer. I’m assuming my purpose was to finish raising my kids, as nothing else was clear to me.

But I guess that’s where faith comes in. To walk by faith and not by sight, as the bible says. So, as for fretting whether I have done all I’m supposed to do or wondering what is it I’m supposed to be doing now, maybe I should rest easy on Micah 6:8: “…And what does the Lord require of you But to do justly, To love mercy, And to walk humbly with your God?”

Graduation Day

My baby is graduating today.

She’s the one who would leap before she looked, climb anything without fear of danger to reach what caught her eye. Talked to strangers like they were her best friend, touched EVERYTHING at the store, loves every animal – even insects – never wanting them killed, just relocated.

As she grew older she became an advocate for anyone that was mistreated or misunderstood. She is very passionate about her beliefs and always wants people to know the truth. She feels it her duty to inform others who may suffer from a lack of knowledge about certain subjects. If you bring up evolution, you’re on your own.

She has a love for writing but suffers from impatience and self-doubt and maybe a bit of procrastination, just like her mother. She has grown more shy as she as gotten older and as a result has a difficult time making new friends - just like her mother. But once she is your friend, she is very loyal and nobody had better say anything against you, ever.

My baby had to stay in the shadow as her big brother was diagnosed with a serious lifelong illness when he was 14 and she was 11. People would inquire as to how he was doing and he got a lot of attention, but she was never noticed or asked about.

Then Cara started having her own medical problems, but her mother ignored them, not wanting both her children to have medical issues. She had to pass out before her condition was taken seriously, and after a year of medical tests she had her own diagnosis to live with.

Then her mother was diagnosed with cancer two days before her 17^th birthday. She had to take over a lot of responsibilities, including her own senior year of high school, as her mother would spend the next nine months in chemo, surgery and radiation therapy.

She has had to go without and deal with more than most kids her age. Money was scarce since there was always a doctor visit, medical procedure, tests or expensive medicines that must be purchased first. But that is the path God put before her and I can see how it has matured her and molded her compassion toward others who are hurting.

So here’s to you, my baby girl, for holding steady when you felt like quitting, for loving other unfortunate souls, for wanting what’s right instead of what’s popular, for being your own person in a crowd of followers, for teaching yourself your senior year and for crying but not giving up.

Cara - I need you more than you need me, which shows God knew what he was doing when he gave you to me. I am the fortunate one.  Now go and do what God has put on your heart. Cry when you need to, then dry your tears and press on, as you have always done. I love you.

Why Do We Need God?

Why Do We Need God? Because we have more than we can handle. It's as simple as that.

When people say God will never give you more than you can handle, they mean well, but they are completely wrong. Where is that in the bible? The only place is where it talks about TEMPTATION - that He will make a way of escape. He didn't say you could handle everything.

Who can handle being addicted to drugs, alcohol, sex, or anything else? Addicts go to support meetings and are given a support buddy and encouragement to find a 'higher' power.

Who can handle the death of a loved one, knowing you will never see them again on earth? Never talk to them again, never have the chance to make things right, if needed?

In fact, I would go so far as to say if you can handle everything life throws at you, you are not living the Christian life God has for you. But then, neither was I.

With my cancer diagnosis, I can never be sure, ever, that it is over. And so I deal with my own mortality on a daily basis. And it is much more than I can handle.

I don't want to die from cancer. I've seen people die from it, it's not pretty. I'm scared. I can't handle it, and there is no place to turn. Doctors can't give me reassurance, my family can't stop me from dying, and all my research on cancer 'prevention' only shows that the medical community can't even make up its mind on what causes cancer, let alone how to prevent it.

Oh, there are all kinds of theories - build up your immune system with antioxidants so cancer can be fought off. Wait a minute, don't take antioxidants because that can feed your cancer, especially if you're susceptible to cancer. (Well, since I've had cancer so I would say I'm susceptible.)

Don't be overweight, that makes you more susceptible to cancer. (Then why don't all fat people get cancer?) Sugar gives you cancer - the cancer feeds off sugar. Oops, wait, go back to real sugar and don't have any fake sugar, that's what gives you cancer.

And on and on it goes. What is a person to do?! The latest I've read is that iodine deficiency can cause you to get cancer, especially breast cancer. However, it's really hard to check for iodine deficiency. But I have been diagnosed with hypothyroid a few years before my cancer diagnosis. Hmmm, maybe there's something to this one? Should I get more iodine in my diet? But I gotta be careful, too much iodine is as bad as too little!

I AM DRIVING MYSELF CRAZY!

I am trying to run everywhere but to the One I need to be running to! There is only one refuge, only one Person who can help me when I feel this panic start to rise up in me.  When this urgent need comes on me to do something to save myself but there is no clear cut path to take, what do I do then?!

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble."

 "The name of the Lord is a strong tower;
The righteous run to it and are safe."

"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength..."

God's word comes to me in these moments of panic. God is showing me that the only place I can remain safe is in Him. I may still die from cancer, but He will see me through it.  

Only by His grace and might and strength and power can I make it. As the bible says: "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love..."

The only place for me to run is to His word, and then to live a life of faith. "Simon Peter answered Him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life."  -  "The just shall live by faith..."

Are you living a life you can handle? Or is it too much for you?   

When you cannot handle what life has thrown, it's time to go to the Throne. 

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I don't know why but I can't seem to reply to posts on my own blog anymore! So I'll put my replies here:

Thanks, Gayle and Marsha! I appreciate the prayers!

Love,
Christine 

Radiation Effects

It's now been one week and one day since my last radiation treatment. And I feel terrible.

Not only have I dealt with bronchitis for the last 12 days, with coughing and fever, the radiation side effects are now also full blast.

I was told that after radiation my skin would have the appearance of a sunburn, and like a sunburn, it would peel. However, this is nothing like any sunburn I have ever had in my life!

My skin is the deepest red I have ever seen and it is peeling ... and bleeding! Showering is pure torture, as is anytime the bandage must be changed! I have to be careful of a skin infection now.

If they had told me it would be like this I never would have agreed to radiation! I have to wear a patch on the most sensitive parts of my body, but I thank God for it, as it is the only way I get any relief!

I have stopped all my lymphedema exercises as I am waiting for my left underarm area and breast to heal. I am praying that the lymphedema does not make my arm or fingers swell while I wait for my radiated skin to heal.

And I keep coughing...and coughing, and coughing.

Thank God for this bandage!

Duck

I am near the end of my cancer treatment. It has gone by faster than I had thought it would, which is a good thing. I remember being so nervous at the beginning of it - worried about staying still enough while the radiation was going on so it wouldn't affect other parts of my body. But today, I realized how all that had passed without me noticing and now I was laying there relaxed, not tensed up as before. God is good.

We're staying at a place that has a lake with a walking path around it. Yesterday, I had noticed what I thought was a stick in the water that was curiously only staying in a certain area, instead of being blown about by the wind. But I got distracted and didn't give it any more thought.

Today, while walking the path with my husband, I saw the stick again and pointed it out to him. Right away, he thought it was odd and started walking toward it. Then he said it wasn't a stick, it was a duck! Sure enough, a poor duck had gotten tangled in some fishing line and couldn't get free. And he had been there since the night before!

We told the manager of the park, who got a fishing buddy of his to come out and try to hook the line that had tangled the bird. At first, we didn't think it was going to work, but finally it did! The first video below shows the bird stuck in the water. It's the black blob in the center of the screen. The second video shows him getting free.

When the duck was hauled in, the fisherman (duckman?) found that the line was all tangled around the birds neck, pretty tight in fact. But all he had on him were pliers. So he walked off, cradling the duck, to get a knife. We left at that point, and walked back to our trailer.

It was a pretty good feeling, to have a part in saving the bird, who was probably close to exhaustion. I hope he didn't have any injuries to prevent him from flying away. I equally hope that the fisherman didn't decide to have duck for dinner.

Snail's Pace

If any of you think I've got it together handling my cancer diagnosis, you should have seen me last night. I lost it...in a big way.

Maybe it was the stress of being away from my home, maybe the nervousness I felt starting my radiation treatment and having to stay completely still while on the table wearing special glasses and having to hold my breath several times a minute to keep the yellow line in the blue box so that I will be perfectly positioned for the radiation to keep it from reaching my heart or lungs.

Or maybe it was finding out this week that I have lymphedema, a lifelong condition I will now have to deal with so soon after my surgery. Or, the fact that I will need physical therapy three times a week for the next four weeks while I'm also having my radiation. Whatever it was - one of these or a combination of them, or the accumulation of the last six months of chemo, surgery, a drain, traveling and planning for now and the future - it all seemed to be too much last night.

One of the kids said something that just set me off. I started crying, practically screaming, of how tired I was of having cancer! How unfair it is to have two kids who are battling their own diseases and for me to have cancer as well. How I just can't take any more and it's all probably all for nothing anyway as I will most likely die from cancer! I even threw in a few swear words for good measure.

Hmmph, so much for a Christian testimony. So much for having faith and seeing how God is getting me through this, how I've grown closer to Him and have felt His love for me throughout this. How can I even be saved and throw a fit like I just did?! Any Christianity I seemed to have was wiped out in that moment.

Even though I immediately apologized to my kids and husband, I have felt horrible since then. Like there is no redemption. Not only did I have a lapse of faith, I even said some pretty bad words. What kind of child of God does that? Certainly not the kind who hopes to have any kind of Christian testimony.

I have barely even talked to God today, I think it's because I know I need forgiveness but I also know I don't deserve it. But I can still feel Him talking to me anyway. Like when I recalled how David, the apple of God's eye, committed murder. I feel like I have murdered my testimony with my kids.

But David repented and came back to God, and God accepted him. I have already repented and asked God to forgive me, now I just have to believe that He has, and I have to forgive myself. My daughter has told me that I tend to hold grudges. It hurt to hear it, but I think she's right. However, the person I always find the hardest to forgive...is myself.

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me." Ps. 51:10

Houston Bound

My hair is growing back!

I saw the radiology specialist this past Wednesday, and after consulting with her colleagues she decided I only needed five weeks of radiation instead of six! Yea! That will save me a week's rent, plus I'll be done with radiation one day before my birthday! God is good!

The radiation treatments start next Wednesday, January 23rd. I will be going every day, Monday through Friday, for treatment with weekends off. We will actually leave next Tuesday to set up house at the place we rented for our stay in Houston while the treatment is taking place.

I will miss my husband terribly the next few weeks. I will be coming home next weekend but depending on how my energy level is will determine if I keep coming home on weekends. My daughter and mother-in-law will be with me next week to help me set up house and see what its going to be like over there.

My son may go with me the following week and we'll decide later who will stay with me and when, but the last two weeks my hubby will take off work and be with me full time as my energy level is expected to be pretty low by then.

Years ago Bryan and I had spent a few nights apart and we unrealistically decided that we never would spend another night apart ever again! But life happens and sometimes it just can't be helped. I will miss him terribly, though. In fact, I already do. Love you, Bryan!

Radiation

Just a quick update! Tomorrow, Jan. 16, I will meet with the radiology doctor who will determine if I've recovered enough motion in my arm after my surgery last month to start my radiation therapy next week.

In the meantime, I have rented a place to stay in Houston while I am going through treatment. I will have to have radiation every day, Mon.- Fri. with weekends off for six weeks.

Since my husband can't take off six weeks off from work, and we only have one car, staying in Houston seemed to be my only option. Thankfully, friends have raised money for my cancer treatment, otherwise, I don't know how we would have been able to do this! Thank God for good friends and family!

Happy New Year!

I hope you all had a blessed holiday season. Mine was great - even with the surgery, even with the chemo! I am still alive in a brand new year!

Life has taken on a new urgency lately. Maybe because in the back of my mind a little voice keeps telling me that my cancer could return at any moment. I may not have much longer, I may not even make it to the five year mark when I will be declared cancer free by the medical community.

Should I shut that voice up? It depends upon the moment. Right now that little voice is inspiring me to live life to the fullest the best way I can in this moment, where I am at. Which is all I can do.

I can't go where I want - a trip to where I grew up, maybe to somewhere I've never been; the Grand Canyon or even Disney World. But I can embrace being able to cook supper from scratch again. Or having the energy to clean up my house. I can love the fact that both my kids are still under my roof, loving each other, staying close to God and us. And nobody is in the hospital right now!

I am finding joy in folding clothes. What?!  Maybe it will become a chore again in the future, but for now it is a blessing. Who would have thought? A year ago I was trying to make a different me, tired of the way things had always been. Who would have thought that a year later I would be relishing doing the mundane things I was so tired of this time last year? God does have a sense of humor!

There are times that little voice reminding me I may not have much longer to live can get me down. That's when I turn to God's promises; He will never leave me nor forsake me, even in my death. He has a plan and a purpose for me, I am always on his mind and He upholds me with His righteous right hand!*

None of us are promised tomorrow, but those who believe are promised John 11:25:

 “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live.

*Heb. 13:5, Eph. 2:10, Palms 139:17-18a, Is. 41:10