Maybe it was the stress of being away from my home, maybe the nervousness I felt starting my radiation treatment and having to stay completely still while on the table wearing special glasses and having to hold my breath several times a minute to keep the yellow line in the blue box so that I will be perfectly positioned for the radiation to keep it from reaching my heart or lungs.
Or maybe it was finding out this week that I have lymphedema, a lifelong condition I will now have to deal with so soon after my surgery. Or, the fact that I will need physical therapy three times a week for the next four weeks while I'm also having my radiation. Whatever it was - one of these or a combination of them, or the accumulation of the last six months of chemo, surgery, a drain, traveling and planning for now and the future - it all seemed to be too much last night.
One of the kids said something that just set me off. I started crying, practically screaming, of how tired I was of having cancer! How unfair it is to have two kids who are battling their own diseases and for me to have cancer as well. How I just can't take any more and it's all probably all for nothing anyway as I will most likely die from cancer! I even threw in a few swear words for good measure.
Hmmph, so much for a Christian testimony. So much for having faith and seeing how God is getting me through this, how I've grown closer to Him and have felt His love for me throughout this. How can I even be saved and throw a fit like I just did?! Any Christianity I seemed to have was wiped out in that moment.
Even though I immediately apologized to my kids and husband, I have felt horrible since then. Like there is no redemption. Not only did I have a lapse of faith, I even said some pretty bad words. What kind of child of God does that? Certainly not the kind who hopes to have any kind of Christian testimony.
I have barely even talked to God today, I think it's because I know I need forgiveness but I also know I don't deserve it. But I can still feel Him talking to me anyway. Like when I recalled how David, the apple of God's eye, committed murder. I feel like I have murdered my testimony with my kids.
But David repented and came back to God, and God accepted him. I have already repented and asked God to forgive me, now I just have to believe that He has, and I have to forgive myself. My daughter has told me that I tend to hold grudges. It hurt to hear it, but I think she's right. However, the person I always find the hardest to forgive...is myself.
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| "Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me." Ps. 51:10 |
We all loose it ...We all are ashamed we have and then even before we loose it God has forgiven us .That is what His death on the Cross wa s all about ...we are all just one breath away from doing some wrong ...does this mean that God is sorry he sent his only Son for our redemption ...No He knew what sorry so and so people we were ...He in all his wisdom knew what it would take to purge our sin sick souls of sins ...He alone knew what we would be doing and saying before we were formed .He knew us totally and still sent his son...You are not alone in this ,we have all had our moments and know that that regret is part of the act of asking for forgiveness ...and accepting his promise to always ...always forgive and forget it ...not hold anything against us ..His blood has set you free ...His blood has set me free ...His blood covers all of His Own ...he bought us and knows our frame .He knows what or how much we can stand ...You just have to readjust you release valve (lol) and you will be fine ...God forgives a lot quicker than we forgive ourselves...and IF he forgives who are you and I to hold ourselves to a higher standards than He(God)does ...Let it go ...take a deep breathe and go on with freedom of his forgiveness and love ...
ReplyDeleteRemember I'll help any way I can...just call ..If you are too tired to go next week just give me a call ...I'll be ready to be driver again any time ...rest and re coop...that should be your plan ..even if you do not feel tired ...you must be after all this treatment you are going through ...Love you I am praying for your strength,just like loads of others ,Gayle Welborn.
Christine,
ReplyDeleteIf you didn't have weak moments, you wouldn't need a savior, would you?
I hate that you said things in front of your kids that you regret. The upside to that is that our kids know we are real and we struggle with sin, just like they do. Ask them to pray for you. You think you've impacted them negatively, and really you have just shown them that their mom is human.
I pray God will give you the strength to continue to walk through this trial.
I can only imagine that you are so tired:)