Emotions

I’m a cry baby. Forget crying when you’re sad or happy (I cry at both,) I also cry when I’m angry, frustrated, tired, or confused. I cry at sad songs, or even just melancholy ones. I’ll cry at the movie theater, in a restaurant, in a hotel lobby, or just driving to church with a face full of make-up! I’m a crier!

I’ve always admired those women you see in movies or on TV who never let their emotions show. I wish I could be as icy as they are. Sometimes I’ve wished that I didn’t have any emotions so when something upsets me I won’t start crying about it in a public place! Or when someone is rude to me I can just stare right back at them until THEY look away.

Instead, I act like a little girl with my lower lip trembling and turn away so they won’t see the tears come into my eyes. Oh, if I could just find some way to control my emotions!

A few years ago I was helping at our church’s VBS. It’s a huge affair and can get stressful (another trigger for my waterworks!) One of the leaders came to me with a conflict about something that I can’t even remember now, but I do recall tears welling up in my eyes as she talked to me. I could see her surprise at my tears and she said, “I bet you’re one of those people who have all the spices in their cabinets all organized and everything in its place.” Surprised, I replied, “I wish!” and laughed. Then I realized she was trying to figure out my personality and why I was crying – and I thought ‘Good luck with that, I can’t even figure it out!’

But something occurred to me this morning - as little as it takes to make me cry is about the same amount it takes to make me happy. Something as simple as standing outside for a moment and watching the birds hop around, looking for bugs, taking a bath, squabbling with each other, I love it.

Even something as simple as helping someone choose the right coffee maker in a chance meeting at a store can make me happy. That happened yesterday and I’m still smiling about it today. Maybe because this person I helped is someone I have tried for years to be close to at my church, to no avail. It’s the same person who saw me cry at VBS years ago – a person whose respect I feel I’ve never had.

This lady and I attended the same Sunday School class for years, but I was always held at arms length. One time, she even was short tempered with me in front of the other ladies at a class social. I was humiliated. But still, I went to the same class, like a lost little puppy trying to get approval.

It took years, but I finally quit the class and gave up on ever being close to her, or to just about anyone in that class. I felt better. Well, I sorta felt better. Kinda like a ‘when you give up all hope you feel better’ thingy. At least I wasn’t trying so hard anymore!

So it was a surprise yesterday when this lady came up to my husband and I at the store and asked for our opinion on a coffee maker. And even more surprising - I wasn’t nervous around her.  Maybe it was because I had given up on a friendship or approval, or perhaps my battle with cancer this past year has changed me. Whatever it was, I was able to converse articulately with this person and help her make a decision.

I gave my opinion on the coffee makers as I had researched them just a few months before - when I had to stay in Houston for five weeks during my radiation therapy. At the time I had thought that if this might be my last days on earth I might as well splurge for a nice coffee maker!

Anyway, this lady seemed surprised and impressed with how much I knew about the subject. I had always felt I was under-estimated in her opinion. But, like most people, she probably never thought about me at all. I dwell way too much on what I think other people are thinking of me. At almost 50 years of age this really shouldn’t bother me anymore!

But as I reflected this morning on the chance encounter yesterday and how pleasant it was, it made me smile. It was then that I realized how something so small could make me happy. That in turn made me think maybe it isn’t such a bad thing to be crybaby. Especially if all it takes to make me smile again is something as simple as a few minutes spent helping someone choose a coffee maker.