One Year Since Cancer Diagnosis

One year ago today I received my cancer diagnosis. What a horrible ride it’s been.

I know I should be grateful. And I am. I am glad I am here today to…commemorate this anniversary. The lump under my arm grew so big so fast that I am truly grateful I was able to get into MD Anderson as quickly as I did.

But my life has irrevocably changed. After the surgery, I feel maimed. My arm is completely numb underneath as well as the surrounding area, still. It may be that way forever. And it doesn’t work like it used to, and to keep motion in that arm I’m supposed to do special exercises, every day, forever.

But because of the lymphedema it’s looking like I may not be able to do much physical activity. MD Anderson was very vague about what to expect, maybe because every body is different. But apparently I can’t do much yet, if ever, or I will have swelling. After the events of this past week I’m beginning to wonder if I ever will be able to bike ride again, or go horse back riding or even do the mundane, yet necessary, scrubbing of the bathroom tile without having swelling afterward?

Then there’s the daily bout with my thought life. Some days are better than others; I can just shrug off morbid thoughts and go on thanking God for what I’ve got. Then other days are not so good. I think about cancer and my death.  I think about what I haven’t accomplished, what I should have accomplished, what I wish I had done. Can I make up for it now? Do I have time? What is it that I should be doing? Can I commit to anything? And on it goes.

Then there’s the, I don’t know, stupidness? - if that’s a word, of it all. Like scrubbing the bathroom clean and getting new shower curtains cause it’s just been too long and they need replacing, yet while I’m at the store trying to decide what to get and hoping the new pains I’m having are from the lymphedema and not cancer, and that my lower back pains that have come on suddenly are just because I’m getting busy with house work again, and not cancer…that I think, if I’m dying, does any of this matter?

What does it matter how clean the house is or how I’ve never finished decorating the bathrooms or our bedroom - if I’m dying?! Then I almost laugh out loud of the sillyness and pointlessness of making the house look good when you think you may die soon. Then I start wondering what is important, really important, in the day to day activities after a cancer diagnosis?

What is normal after cancer? Is it normal to go back to normal? It doesn’t feel like it should be that way. It feels like I better get out my ‘bucket list’ and get busy, because I may not have much longer! But if I spend time/money on ME, then that is selfish and I shouldn’t be like that. Not only am I a Mom, but I am also a Christian – which is supposed to be the epitome of selflessness. So, do I now throw myself into ‘Christian’ works, especially since my youngest is turning 18 this week?

After cancer is scary, and weird and uncertain. And on top of that major life changes and milestones are happening in my family and it’s leaving me confused about what my role is now. I am praying and have been praying for years that God would show me my purpose, but I’ve never gotten a clear answer. I’m assuming my purpose was to finish raising my kids, as nothing else was clear to me.

But I guess that’s where faith comes in. To walk by faith and not by sight, as the bible says. So, as for fretting whether I have done all I’m supposed to do or wondering what is it I’m supposed to be doing now, maybe I should rest easy on Micah 6:8: “…And what does the Lord require of you But to do justly, To love mercy, And to walk humbly with your God?”