Snail's Pace

If any of you think I've got it together handling my cancer diagnosis, you should have seen me last night. I lost it...in a big way.

Maybe it was the stress of being away from my home, maybe the nervousness I felt starting my radiation treatment and having to stay completely still while on the table wearing special glasses and having to hold my breath several times a minute to keep the yellow line in the blue box so that I will be perfectly positioned for the radiation to keep it from reaching my heart or lungs.

Or maybe it was finding out this week that I have lymphedema, a lifelong condition I will now have to deal with so soon after my surgery. Or, the fact that I will need physical therapy three times a week for the next four weeks while I'm also having my radiation. Whatever it was - one of these or a combination of them, or the accumulation of the last six months of chemo, surgery, a drain, traveling and planning for now and the future - it all seemed to be too much last night.

One of the kids said something that just set me off. I started crying, practically screaming, of how tired I was of having cancer! How unfair it is to have two kids who are battling their own diseases and for me to have cancer as well. How I just can't take any more and it's all probably all for nothing anyway as I will most likely die from cancer! I even threw in a few swear words for good measure.

Hmmph, so much for a Christian testimony. So much for having faith and seeing how God is getting me through this, how I've grown closer to Him and have felt His love for me throughout this. How can I even be saved and throw a fit like I just did?! Any Christianity I seemed to have was wiped out in that moment.

Even though I immediately apologized to my kids and husband, I have felt horrible since then. Like there is no redemption. Not only did I have a lapse of faith, I even said some pretty bad words. What kind of child of God does that? Certainly not the kind who hopes to have any kind of Christian testimony.

I have barely even talked to God today, I think it's because I know I need forgiveness but I also know I don't deserve it. But I can still feel Him talking to me anyway. Like when I recalled how David, the apple of God's eye, committed murder. I feel like I have murdered my testimony with my kids.

But David repented and came back to God, and God accepted him. I have already repented and asked God to forgive me, now I just have to believe that He has, and I have to forgive myself. My daughter has told me that I tend to hold grudges. It hurt to hear it, but I think she's right. However, the person I always find the hardest to forgive...is myself.

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me." Ps. 51:10

Houston Bound

My hair is growing back!

I saw the radiology specialist this past Wednesday, and after consulting with her colleagues she decided I only needed five weeks of radiation instead of six! Yea! That will save me a week's rent, plus I'll be done with radiation one day before my birthday! God is good!

The radiation treatments start next Wednesday, January 23rd. I will be going every day, Monday through Friday, for treatment with weekends off. We will actually leave next Tuesday to set up house at the place we rented for our stay in Houston while the treatment is taking place.

I will miss my husband terribly the next few weeks. I will be coming home next weekend but depending on how my energy level is will determine if I keep coming home on weekends. My daughter and mother-in-law will be with me next week to help me set up house and see what its going to be like over there.

My son may go with me the following week and we'll decide later who will stay with me and when, but the last two weeks my hubby will take off work and be with me full time as my energy level is expected to be pretty low by then.

Years ago Bryan and I had spent a few nights apart and we unrealistically decided that we never would spend another night apart ever again! But life happens and sometimes it just can't be helped. I will miss him terribly, though. In fact, I already do. Love you, Bryan!

Radiation

Just a quick update! Tomorrow, Jan. 16, I will meet with the radiology doctor who will determine if I've recovered enough motion in my arm after my surgery last month to start my radiation therapy next week.

In the meantime, I have rented a place to stay in Houston while I am going through treatment. I will have to have radiation every day, Mon.- Fri. with weekends off for six weeks.

Since my husband can't take off six weeks off from work, and we only have one car, staying in Houston seemed to be my only option. Thankfully, friends have raised money for my cancer treatment, otherwise, I don't know how we would have been able to do this! Thank God for good friends and family!

Happy New Year!

I hope you all had a blessed holiday season. Mine was great - even with the surgery, even with the chemo! I am still alive in a brand new year!

Life has taken on a new urgency lately. Maybe because in the back of my mind a little voice keeps telling me that my cancer could return at any moment. I may not have much longer, I may not even make it to the five year mark when I will be declared cancer free by the medical community.

Should I shut that voice up? It depends upon the moment. Right now that little voice is inspiring me to live life to the fullest the best way I can in this moment, where I am at. Which is all I can do.

I can't go where I want - a trip to where I grew up, maybe to somewhere I've never been; the Grand Canyon or even Disney World. But I can embrace being able to cook supper from scratch again. Or having the energy to clean up my house. I can love the fact that both my kids are still under my roof, loving each other, staying close to God and us. And nobody is in the hospital right now!

I am finding joy in folding clothes. What?!  Maybe it will become a chore again in the future, but for now it is a blessing. Who would have thought? A year ago I was trying to make a different me, tired of the way things had always been. Who would have thought that a year later I would be relishing doing the mundane things I was so tired of this time last year? God does have a sense of humor!

There are times that little voice reminding me I may not have much longer to live can get me down. That's when I turn to God's promises; He will never leave me nor forsake me, even in my death. He has a plan and a purpose for me, I am always on his mind and He upholds me with His righteous right hand!*

None of us are promised tomorrow, but those who believe are promised John 11:25:

 “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live.

*Heb. 13:5, Eph. 2:10, Palms 139:17-18a, Is. 41:10

After Surgery

BE SURE TO READ THE UPDATE AT THE BOTTOM! GREAT NEWS!

I had my surgery last Tuesday at MD Anderson to remove my cancerous lymph nodes. They removed all that was under my left arm and left me with a drain to wear. That's because the lymph nodes process the body's fluid and when they're suddenly gone the body has to have time to process and find a way to re-route the fluid. So, until the daily count gets under 30cc's a day for two days in a row, I'm stuck with a drain. Did I ever mention this stuff makes me squeamish? Ugh!

My poor hubby has had to be my nurse as I cannot empty the drain myself. But he loves me more than he hates emptying drains so he has persevered to empty it several times a day. What a faithful, strong husband I have! He has been my rock through all of this!

Hopefully tomorrow I will get the drain removed! I was under 30cc's yesterday and so far today is looking right on target to be the same or lower. I will be so glad when this ball and chain is gone!

My arm hurts a lot more than I thought it would. I've had several surgeries and it seems the older I get the worse they hurt! I've been doing my therapy exercises regularly and the tougher ones I'm supposed to do after the drain is out. I noticed that the exercise instructions say that the pain is actually supposed to get worse in later weeks! Great.

Apparently as my nerve endings recuperate from the savagery of surgery I will be feeling pain more and more. I was wondering why the pain was getting worse instead of better! The pain medicine doesn't work very well and it makes me dizzy so I only take it at night to sleep. If only the heat flashes would leave me alone I might actually get a good nights sleep!

I am still waiting on the pathology results. Kinda scared to hear them actually. But God is always faithful to give me what I need when I need it. This week I have been reading a free book on my free Nook app I put on my iPhone; Max Lucado's 'The Greatest Gift' which features excerpts from some of Lucado's books. Here is the part that has touched me this week:

"There are times when God chooses to say no to the earthly request so he can say yes to the heavenly one. Doesn't he still do that today? Doesn't he use the challenge of the body to strengthen the soul? We need to remember that Peter was in a storm before he walked on water, Lazarus was in a grave before he came out of it, the demoniac was possessed before he was a preacher, and the paralytic was on a stretcher before he was in your Bible...We know that in everything God works for the good of those who love him...Please don't interpret the presence of your disease as the absence of God's love. I pray he heals you. And he will, ultimately."

Hopefully, I will receive a miracle from God and get complete healing in my body. But if I don't, He will heal me, ultimately. Comforting words. Thank you, Lord, for giving them to Max to pass along to me!

Have a blessed Christmas!

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UPDATE!

I just got off the phone for the pathology report. Out of 20 lymph nodes removed they COULD NOT find cancer in any of them! They said this is very rare - I had a complete pathological response to the chemo. The enlarged lymph node was just fibrosis. God is good, awesome, amazing and still answering prayer and working miracles today! He deserves all the praise and glory for any good news! 

Thank you, Lord, and thanks to all of you for praying for me!

A Different Christmas Perspective

Cancer changes your perspective in so many ways. Especially when the doctors don't really know what type of cancer you have and so they cannot really make any confident predictions about your future.

Will my surgery next week to remove the cancerous lymph nodes under my arm cure me of cancer? Well...hopefully. But since the cancer is in my lymph nodes - a sign of advanced disease - who knows? Maybe the chemo and upcoming radiation therapy will take care of any microscopic cancer cells remaining in my body. Maybe.

But maybe not. My cancer could return at any time, which makes me think I better celebrate this holiday season as if it is my last, and that thought has given me a different perspective this time of year.

Wreath at MD Anderson for Auction

 Where some people see an overly commercialized Christmas season I see something else. I see a Christmas shopping season that puts most businesses in the black. They will have finally made enough money to cover the cost of running their business throughout the entire year, which makes it convenient for all of us. Just think of the places where we would not be able to window shop in May if it wasn't for 'the buying season' at Christmas keeping the business open. That is something I am thankful for.

Do some people 'overshop'? Sure, but that is a personal issue, just like when people overeat. They are compensating for a perceived lack of affection, or trying to measure up, or some other such shortcoming. Commercialization doesn't make people buy just as too many restaurants or too much food doesn't make people overeat. It is a perceived need, an unfulfilled want or sense of entitlement (I deserve this!) attitude that is spurring the behavior.

Another pretty wreath

So when I read, as I did this week, a well-known pastor's daily devotion where he was putting down the modern day celebration of Christmas and all it's 'hustle and bustle' I had a different perspective. I have spent most of the last 24 weeks in seclusion with my chemo and face spending the next several weeks at home recovery from my surgery. I miss the hustle and bustle! I miss hearing the Christmas music blaring over the store speakers. I miss seeing shiny new Christmas merchandise and shopping for presents for my loved ones. I may not get another chance!

I think Christmas represents how much God has given to us, even if we don't have much to spend. Because of Christ we have this season. Because of His love, we have been given loved ones to buy for. And if we don't have money to buy presents, because of Christ we have His word, which tells us that whatever state we find ourselves in we learn to be content.

"Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content" 

Philippians 4:11 (Emphasis mine.)

Have you even noticed the word 'learn' in that verse before? Contentment is learned, it doesn't just happen. That was a revelation to me when I found that out.

Snowman!

  
  
Contentment is a learning process, it isn't just given to you or a feeling that could come or go. It is learned. If you are feeling discontent this Christmas season, if you are feeling it is to commercialized, too long, too expensive, too much of a hassle, too whatever - learn contentment by focusing on what is good during this season. Be glad for what you are able to do, where you are able to go and what you are allowed to see.

Reading through His word, meditating on His promises, remembering the birth of His son who was sent to guide you through your life, with all this contentment can be learned. And then you can find joy in the season. 

Merry Christmas!

Changing Seasons

The buffet area set for Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite times of the year. I love the cooler weather, the fall colors, and baking desserts that come with the season - molasses cookies, apple cake, pumpkin bread and more. The smells of cinnamon and nutmeg in the air and the warm colors of Thanksgiving decor always put a smile on my face.

This year I will have to forgo most of my Thanksgiving baking, but my daughter put out a lot of our Thanksgiving decorations so our house has the comforting look of fall. The above photo shows our buffet table nicely decorated. The one below is the mantel above our fireplace. Cara has a good eye for grouping items together!

Fireplace Mantel

My husbands family will be providing most of our Thanksgiving dinner this year. His Aunt will be making several side dishes and his Mom will be providing us with desserts. We are looking at buying a smoked turkey for the first time. I can't cook or go over to anyone's house but we will still eat well this Thanksgiving. God is good!

This past week I found out that my surgery will be December 11th. Right now it's to remove all the lymph nodes under my left arm. The surgeon, however, wanted to do a genetic test to see if I carry the genes for breast cancer. If I do, I have a 40% or higher chance of having a second breast cancer. If the test returns positive, I have to decide if I want a mastectomy or double mastectomy. This was a surprise, as I was first assured that I wouldn't have to go through removal of my breasts since there wasn't any cancer found there.

However, my insurance may not pay for the $4000 test. In that case, the doctor took the cancer history of my family, at least all of it I could gather. After reviewing the multiple Aunts, Uncles and grandparents who have had cancer on either side of my parents families (and there are a lot of them) but finding that none had breast or ovarian cancer, the genetics doctor thinks that it's less 5% chance I could have the gene. So she recommends that if the insurance doesn't pay for the test, that we just not have it done and I make my decision based on the facts I have at hand.

Bryan had asked that if they remove the breasts isn't there still a chance I could get breast cancer? I hadn't thought of that. The answer is yes, there could still be breast tissue left behind that could become cancerous even after a mastectomy. So I could lose my 'girls' and still end up with breast cancer. 

Another thing I found out is that when they take out the lymph nodes under the arm and do radiation under there, you are more likely to get lymphedema, a build-up of fluid in your arm, which I will have to watch out for for the rest of my life. There isn't anything I can do about it except go to the doctor or ER - every single time - for help. I never knew this!

After this visit to MD Anderson I felt I had information overload. I had not expected to have a lifelong condition to deal with after surgery. Nor did I know I was going to be faced with a mastectomy decision. On top of all that, my son's Crohn's flare he had been having for the past two weeks was getting really bad. And trying to do a long-distance communication with his doctor in the Woodlands seemed to be getting us no where.

So last week was not a good week at all. Thankfully, my son's doctor finally called late Friday afternoon and ordered blood tests and called in a prescription for a temporary medicine that has helped Caden in the past, although Caden had to ask for the medicine himself! This medicine has a lot of bad side effects on Cade, but at least he got it and it finally started working. He has an appointment on the 20th to see his gastroenterologist and we'll see what he says about Caden's future.

As for my own future, I feel right now the only surgery I will do is the lymph nodes. However, if my insurance does cover the test and it comes back positive I'll have a very difficult decision to make. I guess I'll have to deal with the lymphedema if/when it happens. I have to be tougher than I ever knew.

My life has radically changed this year. I would have enjoyed last years holidays a lot more if I'd known they were the last normal ones I'd ever have! My son, Caden, was feeling bad this Halloween and was thinking of not attending a church function and said he would just go next year. I told him next year he could be in chemo and not able to get out and enjoy the season. We never know what life has in store. Enjoy Thanksgiving this year. Go ahead and put up those decorations, bake the goodies, get out and meet people. Next year your life could change who you are to the core.

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there,
buy and sell, and make a profit”; whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow.
For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away.
Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that.”
James 4: 13-14  

The Many Faces of Chemo

The many faces of chemo:

Horror

Acceptance

Pain

Boredom

Grace

Tiredness

 And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. 

For when I am weak, then I am strong. 

2 Cor. 12:9-10

I am not boasting or taking pleasure in my infirmities as the Apostle Paul did. I am not that strong. But I am hopeful that one day I will be the Christian that God wants me to be. A work in progress, as always! Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoy this silly break in all the seriousness of cancer and it's side effects. :)

Just in Time for Halloween...

Just thought I'd share a couple pics of how freakish I've become lately:

I can now count my eyelashes and brow hairs individually!

My very ugly nails!

 

My nails are partially separated from the nail bed and look horrible! I'm supposed to soak them in a 50% mix of vinegar and water two times a day. I've done a close up on the nails so what you can't see is that EVERY SINGLE NAIL is terrible looking - and my toenails are getting in on the act. The chemo is keeping me alive but is changing how I look.

Then there's my eyebrows and eyelashes, which you can now count individually. And I am only half way through the FAC! I most likely will not have any hair left by the end of November!

Would anybody even recognize me if they haven't seen me in awhile?  Superficial, I know, but still my identity is slowly disappearing. I was Chris, an active wife and mother and now I am a sick cancer patient hiding in my home and avoiding people so I hopefully won't make another trip to the emergency care center again.

And the days are long - there's not much I can do without getting tired so I end up just trying not to be bored. Watch a lame tv show on tv, watch another on the computer. Shuffle some cards so my hands stay busy. Listen to talk radio, listen to a sermon on the web, make myself eat a snack. I feel like I'm living in an old folks home.

I do some laundry every once in a while to at least get some exercise but even that can be taxing. Writing is hard as chemo brain interferes so much with that and with reading books, magazines or even doing crafts! Doing nothing has never been my thing! Boy is God teaching me patience! And to get over myself - looks can change so quickly!

At least God has all my hairs numbered, He knows I am changing but I am still His. He recognizes me and hears me when I call. He even has complete and total strangers praying for me!

With cancer, especially my rare type that may or may not be metastatic, life will never go back to normal. In the future, with every ache, pain or bump, I will wonder - is the cancer is back? Was it metastatic after all? That's a hard life to live.

But God wants me out of life as normal and into His new path for me - relying completely on Him. Taking each day as it comes - as a gift - because it could all be over so quickly and my cancer may come back. Life on the edge is what my life is now, but I have His assurance I am not alone. 

“I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Hebrews 13:5b 

Thank you for reading my blog. Have a blessed day!

Weathering the Storm

I weathered the fever, although it was rough. I had fever for at least four days, it could have been longer but I didn't take my temperature the first couple days I started feeling bad so I don't know for sure if I had fever then. Probably I did, but at least it's over now.

I currently have more strength, thankfully, but still am weaker than I've been since starting any of my chemo treatments. They went ahead and gave me my second FAC just four days after my fever broke. No rest for the weary.

Enjoying the birds at MD Anderson before my second FAC

I also developed a strange set of blisters on my face just after the fever broke and they are taking forever to go away! I've never seen anything like them before and it's adding to the weirdness I see in the mirror - strange blisters, thinning eyebrows, eyelashes that are hardly there anymore and of course, no hair. Well, actually, there are a few wild hairs so that just adds to the freakish look I have going on now. 

But what does it all matter since I don't go anywhere. I'm avoiding crowds to try and keep from getting anything that will give me a fever again. But I avoided them the first time around and got fever anyway so we'll see how well it goes this time. I only have two more treatments to go, but it's going to take another eight weeks to get through it all! I am so ready to be done with this chemo! 

Pretty pigeon!

On the bright side, my hubby got some food today and we went to the park to eat it. We sat in the car with the windows down and enjoyed the cool spell we have going on right now. There wasn't a cloud in the sky, no one was nearby and the breeze was just right. Thank you, Lord, for this little respite in the midst of the madness that is chemo!

*        *        *

  Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? 

And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father’s will.   

But the very hairs of your head are all numbered.  

Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.

Matthew 10:29-31