Why Do We Need God?

Why Do We Need God? Because we have more than we can handle. It's as simple as that.

When people say God will never give you more than you can handle, they mean well, but they are completely wrong. Where is that in the bible? The only place is where it talks about TEMPTATION - that He will make a way of escape. He didn't say you could handle everything.

Who can handle being addicted to drugs, alcohol, sex, or anything else? Addicts go to support meetings and are given a support buddy and encouragement to find a 'higher' power.

Who can handle the death of a loved one, knowing you will never see them again on earth? Never talk to them again, never have the chance to make things right, if needed?

In fact, I would go so far as to say if you can handle everything life throws at you, you are not living the Christian life God has for you. But then, neither was I.

With my cancer diagnosis, I can never be sure, ever, that it is over. And so I deal with my own mortality on a daily basis. And it is much more than I can handle.

I don't want to die from cancer. I've seen people die from it, it's not pretty. I'm scared. I can't handle it, and there is no place to turn. Doctors can't give me reassurance, my family can't stop me from dying, and all my research on cancer 'prevention' only shows that the medical community can't even make up its mind on what causes cancer, let alone how to prevent it.

Oh, there are all kinds of theories - build up your immune system with antioxidants so cancer can be fought off. Wait a minute, don't take antioxidants because that can feed your cancer, especially if you're susceptible to cancer. (Well, since I've had cancer so I would say I'm susceptible.)

Don't be overweight, that makes you more susceptible to cancer. (Then why don't all fat people get cancer?) Sugar gives you cancer - the cancer feeds off sugar. Oops, wait, go back to real sugar and don't have any fake sugar, that's what gives you cancer.

And on and on it goes. What is a person to do?! The latest I've read is that iodine deficiency can cause you to get cancer, especially breast cancer. However, it's really hard to check for iodine deficiency. But I have been diagnosed with hypothyroid a few years before my cancer diagnosis. Hmmm, maybe there's something to this one? Should I get more iodine in my diet? But I gotta be careful, too much iodine is as bad as too little!

I AM DRIVING MYSELF CRAZY!

I am trying to run everywhere but to the One I need to be running to! There is only one refuge, only one Person who can help me when I feel this panic start to rise up in me.  When this urgent need comes on me to do something to save myself but there is no clear cut path to take, what do I do then?!

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble."

 "The name of the Lord is a strong tower;
The righteous run to it and are safe."

"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength..."

God's word comes to me in these moments of panic. God is showing me that the only place I can remain safe is in Him. I may still die from cancer, but He will see me through it.  

Only by His grace and might and strength and power can I make it. As the bible says: "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love..."

The only place for me to run is to His word, and then to live a life of faith. "Simon Peter answered Him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life."  -  "The just shall live by faith..."

Are you living a life you can handle? Or is it too much for you?   

When you cannot handle what life has thrown, it's time to go to the Throne. 

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I don't know why but I can't seem to reply to posts on my own blog anymore! So I'll put my replies here:

Thanks, Gayle and Marsha! I appreciate the prayers!

Love,
Christine 

Radiation Effects

It's now been one week and one day since my last radiation treatment. And I feel terrible.

Not only have I dealt with bronchitis for the last 12 days, with coughing and fever, the radiation side effects are now also full blast.

I was told that after radiation my skin would have the appearance of a sunburn, and like a sunburn, it would peel. However, this is nothing like any sunburn I have ever had in my life!

My skin is the deepest red I have ever seen and it is peeling ... and bleeding! Showering is pure torture, as is anytime the bandage must be changed! I have to be careful of a skin infection now.

If they had told me it would be like this I never would have agreed to radiation! I have to wear a patch on the most sensitive parts of my body, but I thank God for it, as it is the only way I get any relief!

I have stopped all my lymphedema exercises as I am waiting for my left underarm area and breast to heal. I am praying that the lymphedema does not make my arm or fingers swell while I wait for my radiated skin to heal.

And I keep coughing...and coughing, and coughing.

Thank God for this bandage!

Duck

I am near the end of my cancer treatment. It has gone by faster than I had thought it would, which is a good thing. I remember being so nervous at the beginning of it - worried about staying still enough while the radiation was going on so it wouldn't affect other parts of my body. But today, I realized how all that had passed without me noticing and now I was laying there relaxed, not tensed up as before. God is good.

We're staying at a place that has a lake with a walking path around it. Yesterday, I had noticed what I thought was a stick in the water that was curiously only staying in a certain area, instead of being blown about by the wind. But I got distracted and didn't give it any more thought.

Today, while walking the path with my husband, I saw the stick again and pointed it out to him. Right away, he thought it was odd and started walking toward it. Then he said it wasn't a stick, it was a duck! Sure enough, a poor duck had gotten tangled in some fishing line and couldn't get free. And he had been there since the night before!

We told the manager of the park, who got a fishing buddy of his to come out and try to hook the line that had tangled the bird. At first, we didn't think it was going to work, but finally it did! The first video below shows the bird stuck in the water. It's the black blob in the center of the screen. The second video shows him getting free.

When the duck was hauled in, the fisherman (duckman?) found that the line was all tangled around the birds neck, pretty tight in fact. But all he had on him were pliers. So he walked off, cradling the duck, to get a knife. We left at that point, and walked back to our trailer.

It was a pretty good feeling, to have a part in saving the bird, who was probably close to exhaustion. I hope he didn't have any injuries to prevent him from flying away. I equally hope that the fisherman didn't decide to have duck for dinner.

Snail's Pace

If any of you think I've got it together handling my cancer diagnosis, you should have seen me last night. I lost it...in a big way.

Maybe it was the stress of being away from my home, maybe the nervousness I felt starting my radiation treatment and having to stay completely still while on the table wearing special glasses and having to hold my breath several times a minute to keep the yellow line in the blue box so that I will be perfectly positioned for the radiation to keep it from reaching my heart or lungs.

Or maybe it was finding out this week that I have lymphedema, a lifelong condition I will now have to deal with so soon after my surgery. Or, the fact that I will need physical therapy three times a week for the next four weeks while I'm also having my radiation. Whatever it was - one of these or a combination of them, or the accumulation of the last six months of chemo, surgery, a drain, traveling and planning for now and the future - it all seemed to be too much last night.

One of the kids said something that just set me off. I started crying, practically screaming, of how tired I was of having cancer! How unfair it is to have two kids who are battling their own diseases and for me to have cancer as well. How I just can't take any more and it's all probably all for nothing anyway as I will most likely die from cancer! I even threw in a few swear words for good measure.

Hmmph, so much for a Christian testimony. So much for having faith and seeing how God is getting me through this, how I've grown closer to Him and have felt His love for me throughout this. How can I even be saved and throw a fit like I just did?! Any Christianity I seemed to have was wiped out in that moment.

Even though I immediately apologized to my kids and husband, I have felt horrible since then. Like there is no redemption. Not only did I have a lapse of faith, I even said some pretty bad words. What kind of child of God does that? Certainly not the kind who hopes to have any kind of Christian testimony.

I have barely even talked to God today, I think it's because I know I need forgiveness but I also know I don't deserve it. But I can still feel Him talking to me anyway. Like when I recalled how David, the apple of God's eye, committed murder. I feel like I have murdered my testimony with my kids.

But David repented and came back to God, and God accepted him. I have already repented and asked God to forgive me, now I just have to believe that He has, and I have to forgive myself. My daughter has told me that I tend to hold grudges. It hurt to hear it, but I think she's right. However, the person I always find the hardest to forgive...is myself.

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me." Ps. 51:10

Houston Bound

My hair is growing back!

I saw the radiology specialist this past Wednesday, and after consulting with her colleagues she decided I only needed five weeks of radiation instead of six! Yea! That will save me a week's rent, plus I'll be done with radiation one day before my birthday! God is good!

The radiation treatments start next Wednesday, January 23rd. I will be going every day, Monday through Friday, for treatment with weekends off. We will actually leave next Tuesday to set up house at the place we rented for our stay in Houston while the treatment is taking place.

I will miss my husband terribly the next few weeks. I will be coming home next weekend but depending on how my energy level is will determine if I keep coming home on weekends. My daughter and mother-in-law will be with me next week to help me set up house and see what its going to be like over there.

My son may go with me the following week and we'll decide later who will stay with me and when, but the last two weeks my hubby will take off work and be with me full time as my energy level is expected to be pretty low by then.

Years ago Bryan and I had spent a few nights apart and we unrealistically decided that we never would spend another night apart ever again! But life happens and sometimes it just can't be helped. I will miss him terribly, though. In fact, I already do. Love you, Bryan!

Radiation

Just a quick update! Tomorrow, Jan. 16, I will meet with the radiology doctor who will determine if I've recovered enough motion in my arm after my surgery last month to start my radiation therapy next week.

In the meantime, I have rented a place to stay in Houston while I am going through treatment. I will have to have radiation every day, Mon.- Fri. with weekends off for six weeks.

Since my husband can't take off six weeks off from work, and we only have one car, staying in Houston seemed to be my only option. Thankfully, friends have raised money for my cancer treatment, otherwise, I don't know how we would have been able to do this! Thank God for good friends and family!

Happy New Year!

I hope you all had a blessed holiday season. Mine was great - even with the surgery, even with the chemo! I am still alive in a brand new year!

Life has taken on a new urgency lately. Maybe because in the back of my mind a little voice keeps telling me that my cancer could return at any moment. I may not have much longer, I may not even make it to the five year mark when I will be declared cancer free by the medical community.

Should I shut that voice up? It depends upon the moment. Right now that little voice is inspiring me to live life to the fullest the best way I can in this moment, where I am at. Which is all I can do.

I can't go where I want - a trip to where I grew up, maybe to somewhere I've never been; the Grand Canyon or even Disney World. But I can embrace being able to cook supper from scratch again. Or having the energy to clean up my house. I can love the fact that both my kids are still under my roof, loving each other, staying close to God and us. And nobody is in the hospital right now!

I am finding joy in folding clothes. What?!  Maybe it will become a chore again in the future, but for now it is a blessing. Who would have thought? A year ago I was trying to make a different me, tired of the way things had always been. Who would have thought that a year later I would be relishing doing the mundane things I was so tired of this time last year? God does have a sense of humor!

There are times that little voice reminding me I may not have much longer to live can get me down. That's when I turn to God's promises; He will never leave me nor forsake me, even in my death. He has a plan and a purpose for me, I am always on his mind and He upholds me with His righteous right hand!*

None of us are promised tomorrow, but those who believe are promised John 11:25:

 “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live.

*Heb. 13:5, Eph. 2:10, Palms 139:17-18a, Is. 41:10

After Surgery

BE SURE TO READ THE UPDATE AT THE BOTTOM! GREAT NEWS!

I had my surgery last Tuesday at MD Anderson to remove my cancerous lymph nodes. They removed all that was under my left arm and left me with a drain to wear. That's because the lymph nodes process the body's fluid and when they're suddenly gone the body has to have time to process and find a way to re-route the fluid. So, until the daily count gets under 30cc's a day for two days in a row, I'm stuck with a drain. Did I ever mention this stuff makes me squeamish? Ugh!

My poor hubby has had to be my nurse as I cannot empty the drain myself. But he loves me more than he hates emptying drains so he has persevered to empty it several times a day. What a faithful, strong husband I have! He has been my rock through all of this!

Hopefully tomorrow I will get the drain removed! I was under 30cc's yesterday and so far today is looking right on target to be the same or lower. I will be so glad when this ball and chain is gone!

My arm hurts a lot more than I thought it would. I've had several surgeries and it seems the older I get the worse they hurt! I've been doing my therapy exercises regularly and the tougher ones I'm supposed to do after the drain is out. I noticed that the exercise instructions say that the pain is actually supposed to get worse in later weeks! Great.

Apparently as my nerve endings recuperate from the savagery of surgery I will be feeling pain more and more. I was wondering why the pain was getting worse instead of better! The pain medicine doesn't work very well and it makes me dizzy so I only take it at night to sleep. If only the heat flashes would leave me alone I might actually get a good nights sleep!

I am still waiting on the pathology results. Kinda scared to hear them actually. But God is always faithful to give me what I need when I need it. This week I have been reading a free book on my free Nook app I put on my iPhone; Max Lucado's 'The Greatest Gift' which features excerpts from some of Lucado's books. Here is the part that has touched me this week:

"There are times when God chooses to say no to the earthly request so he can say yes to the heavenly one. Doesn't he still do that today? Doesn't he use the challenge of the body to strengthen the soul? We need to remember that Peter was in a storm before he walked on water, Lazarus was in a grave before he came out of it, the demoniac was possessed before he was a preacher, and the paralytic was on a stretcher before he was in your Bible...We know that in everything God works for the good of those who love him...Please don't interpret the presence of your disease as the absence of God's love. I pray he heals you. And he will, ultimately."

Hopefully, I will receive a miracle from God and get complete healing in my body. But if I don't, He will heal me, ultimately. Comforting words. Thank you, Lord, for giving them to Max to pass along to me!

Have a blessed Christmas!

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UPDATE!

I just got off the phone for the pathology report. Out of 20 lymph nodes removed they COULD NOT find cancer in any of them! They said this is very rare - I had a complete pathological response to the chemo. The enlarged lymph node was just fibrosis. God is good, awesome, amazing and still answering prayer and working miracles today! He deserves all the praise and glory for any good news! 

Thank you, Lord, and thanks to all of you for praying for me!

A Different Christmas Perspective

Cancer changes your perspective in so many ways. Especially when the doctors don't really know what type of cancer you have and so they cannot really make any confident predictions about your future.

Will my surgery next week to remove the cancerous lymph nodes under my arm cure me of cancer? Well...hopefully. But since the cancer is in my lymph nodes - a sign of advanced disease - who knows? Maybe the chemo and upcoming radiation therapy will take care of any microscopic cancer cells remaining in my body. Maybe.

But maybe not. My cancer could return at any time, which makes me think I better celebrate this holiday season as if it is my last, and that thought has given me a different perspective this time of year.

Wreath at MD Anderson for Auction

 Where some people see an overly commercialized Christmas season I see something else. I see a Christmas shopping season that puts most businesses in the black. They will have finally made enough money to cover the cost of running their business throughout the entire year, which makes it convenient for all of us. Just think of the places where we would not be able to window shop in May if it wasn't for 'the buying season' at Christmas keeping the business open. That is something I am thankful for.

Do some people 'overshop'? Sure, but that is a personal issue, just like when people overeat. They are compensating for a perceived lack of affection, or trying to measure up, or some other such shortcoming. Commercialization doesn't make people buy just as too many restaurants or too much food doesn't make people overeat. It is a perceived need, an unfulfilled want or sense of entitlement (I deserve this!) attitude that is spurring the behavior.

Another pretty wreath

So when I read, as I did this week, a well-known pastor's daily devotion where he was putting down the modern day celebration of Christmas and all it's 'hustle and bustle' I had a different perspective. I have spent most of the last 24 weeks in seclusion with my chemo and face spending the next several weeks at home recovery from my surgery. I miss the hustle and bustle! I miss hearing the Christmas music blaring over the store speakers. I miss seeing shiny new Christmas merchandise and shopping for presents for my loved ones. I may not get another chance!

I think Christmas represents how much God has given to us, even if we don't have much to spend. Because of Christ we have this season. Because of His love, we have been given loved ones to buy for. And if we don't have money to buy presents, because of Christ we have His word, which tells us that whatever state we find ourselves in we learn to be content.

"Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content" 

Philippians 4:11 (Emphasis mine.)

Have you even noticed the word 'learn' in that verse before? Contentment is learned, it doesn't just happen. That was a revelation to me when I found that out.

Snowman!

  
  
Contentment is a learning process, it isn't just given to you or a feeling that could come or go. It is learned. If you are feeling discontent this Christmas season, if you are feeling it is to commercialized, too long, too expensive, too much of a hassle, too whatever - learn contentment by focusing on what is good during this season. Be glad for what you are able to do, where you are able to go and what you are allowed to see.

Reading through His word, meditating on His promises, remembering the birth of His son who was sent to guide you through your life, with all this contentment can be learned. And then you can find joy in the season. 

Merry Christmas!

Changing Seasons

The buffet area set for Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite times of the year. I love the cooler weather, the fall colors, and baking desserts that come with the season - molasses cookies, apple cake, pumpkin bread and more. The smells of cinnamon and nutmeg in the air and the warm colors of Thanksgiving decor always put a smile on my face.

This year I will have to forgo most of my Thanksgiving baking, but my daughter put out a lot of our Thanksgiving decorations so our house has the comforting look of fall. The above photo shows our buffet table nicely decorated. The one below is the mantel above our fireplace. Cara has a good eye for grouping items together!

Fireplace Mantel

My husbands family will be providing most of our Thanksgiving dinner this year. His Aunt will be making several side dishes and his Mom will be providing us with desserts. We are looking at buying a smoked turkey for the first time. I can't cook or go over to anyone's house but we will still eat well this Thanksgiving. God is good!

This past week I found out that my surgery will be December 11th. Right now it's to remove all the lymph nodes under my left arm. The surgeon, however, wanted to do a genetic test to see if I carry the genes for breast cancer. If I do, I have a 40% or higher chance of having a second breast cancer. If the test returns positive, I have to decide if I want a mastectomy or double mastectomy. This was a surprise, as I was first assured that I wouldn't have to go through removal of my breasts since there wasn't any cancer found there.

However, my insurance may not pay for the $4000 test. In that case, the doctor took the cancer history of my family, at least all of it I could gather. After reviewing the multiple Aunts, Uncles and grandparents who have had cancer on either side of my parents families (and there are a lot of them) but finding that none had breast or ovarian cancer, the genetics doctor thinks that it's less 5% chance I could have the gene. So she recommends that if the insurance doesn't pay for the test, that we just not have it done and I make my decision based on the facts I have at hand.

Bryan had asked that if they remove the breasts isn't there still a chance I could get breast cancer? I hadn't thought of that. The answer is yes, there could still be breast tissue left behind that could become cancerous even after a mastectomy. So I could lose my 'girls' and still end up with breast cancer. 

Another thing I found out is that when they take out the lymph nodes under the arm and do radiation under there, you are more likely to get lymphedema, a build-up of fluid in your arm, which I will have to watch out for for the rest of my life. There isn't anything I can do about it except go to the doctor or ER - every single time - for help. I never knew this!

After this visit to MD Anderson I felt I had information overload. I had not expected to have a lifelong condition to deal with after surgery. Nor did I know I was going to be faced with a mastectomy decision. On top of all that, my son's Crohn's flare he had been having for the past two weeks was getting really bad. And trying to do a long-distance communication with his doctor in the Woodlands seemed to be getting us no where.

So last week was not a good week at all. Thankfully, my son's doctor finally called late Friday afternoon and ordered blood tests and called in a prescription for a temporary medicine that has helped Caden in the past, although Caden had to ask for the medicine himself! This medicine has a lot of bad side effects on Cade, but at least he got it and it finally started working. He has an appointment on the 20th to see his gastroenterologist and we'll see what he says about Caden's future.

As for my own future, I feel right now the only surgery I will do is the lymph nodes. However, if my insurance does cover the test and it comes back positive I'll have a very difficult decision to make. I guess I'll have to deal with the lymphedema if/when it happens. I have to be tougher than I ever knew.

My life has radically changed this year. I would have enjoyed last years holidays a lot more if I'd known they were the last normal ones I'd ever have! My son, Caden, was feeling bad this Halloween and was thinking of not attending a church function and said he would just go next year. I told him next year he could be in chemo and not able to get out and enjoy the season. We never know what life has in store. Enjoy Thanksgiving this year. Go ahead and put up those decorations, bake the goodies, get out and meet people. Next year your life could change who you are to the core.

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there,
buy and sell, and make a profit”; whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow.
For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away.
Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that.”
James 4: 13-14