Accumulating Chemo

During Chemo Infusion @ MDA 8/22/12

The accumulating effects of chemo are...well, accumulating. I am foggier than ever, I feel terrible and my hands and feet hurt any time I use them. I am tired and weak and doubting I can last another three months. 

They tell me that my chemo rash will go away once I'm off the Taxol, so even though I'm not wanting to do the FAC chemo, at least I'll have something to look forward to! Right now my fingertips are so painful I can hardly open bottles to take my medicines! I can't stand to wear shoes as the rash is really bad on them and more painful than itchy. So, at least there is some good to changing chemo treatments.

I am weak and shaky today and yet I have errands to run. Please pray for me to have the strength I'm going to need to last another three and a half months through chemo! And not to have any heart problems or bad reactions from the FAC! Knowing there are people praying for me helps me not to feel alone in this battle. Please pray the following verses for me so I can be the child that He wants me to be. Thank you for your prayers!

For this reason we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding; that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God;  strengthened with all might, according to His glorious power, for all patience and longsuffering with joy;  giving thanks to the Father who has qualified us to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in the light.  Colossians 1:9-12

Donations

At least I have a nicely shaped head! : )

I've been in another 'chemo fog' for days now. It's finally lifted enough to where I think I can write coherently. We will see. 

My brother-in-law has set up an account for donations for anyone who feels led to help. I put the link in the right column of this page at the bottom of the 'About Me' section. But I'll also put it here: http://www.payitsquare.com/collect-page/7192

We have friends and family who are also planning fundraisers. I used to be very uncomfortable with the thought of having to take help from others, but now that I have cancer and the bills are rolling in I can't see any other way to pay them or to get through the weekly MD Anderson visits then to ask for help. As I said in the 'About Me' section, we were already near $10,000 in medical debt just from the kids medical bills before my cancer diagnosis in May. Now it's climbing rapidly, even with insurance!

It has made a big difference with the gas cards and parking money others have already generously given us. Parking at MD Anderson is $15 each visit and I go once weekly at the moment, plus it's a two hour drive to get there and we use half a tank of gas each week for the visit. 

But I don't want this blog to be about getting donations. That's why after today the link will only be at the bottom of the 'About Me' box. If you feel led to give, that's great!  If not, please don't! God will provide as He always has. Either way, please keep the prayers coming, that's what we need most of all - prayers of healing and provision! May God bless each of you very much!

Houston Skyline as we drive in to MD Anderson

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.  

For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.  

Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone?   

Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent?   

If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, 

how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him! 

Matt. 7:7-11

Harder than I Knew

Cancer is harder than I ever knew. Harder physically and way harder mentally. 

The physical side effects of treatment are tough - as I was typing this just now my hands started itching badly from the chemo rash that is on each one. So I stopped, walked upstairs and put on more of the greasy ointment to try and get the itching to stop. It doesn't seem to be working too well at the moment.

Then there's the all over achiness I feel almost every day. Its like I'm getting sick - just a general unwell feeling that I've had for the last eight weeks of chemo. Sometimes the achiness gets so bad the pain medicine doesn't even touch it, then I hurt a lot. It makes me think of Job - how long did he have to sit aching and hurting from his boils? It must have felt like forever, too.

Food just doesn't taste right anymore. The chemo is giving everything a funny taste. I have to keep asking my family if whatever we're eating tastes ok to them. So far they've always said yes, so it's just me. Not that it's helping me lose weight, if anything, I seem to be gaining. But that could be the steroids I'm given every week before the chemo to help keep from having a reaction. They told me I might gain weight from it.

Thinking about the future is tough. I'm not looking forward to any more treatments even though I want to be cancer free.  The next set of chemo scares me, I'm dreading the pain of surgery and hoping it won't affect the use of my arm. Radiation doesn't sound like fun nor do the drugs I'm supposed to be on after all the rest is over.

I'm tired all the time and combined with the hurting it makes it hard to be strong. I'd like to go out and eat with my husband again, or see a movie or even go grocery shopping! I feel like I'm sitting in this house just watching life pass by.

My son had his 20th birthday last Friday. I started wondering if this will be the last birthday that I'm here with him. I wish I could have made it special - like we always try to do - but I don't have the strength, energy, time or money to do anything more than say happy birthday. And Bryan is run ragged trying to do both Mom and Dad's jobs while working full time.

Yeah, cancer is harder than I ever knew. Harder to take up the slack for someone who is no longer able to do for themselves, harder on the loved ones who have to watch them suffer and harder on the patient than I ever thought! The dread, the worry, the pain...I had no idea what cancer patients went through. If nothing else, I definitely have more sympathy for anyone who has been diagnosed with cancer. It is life altering!

At least they keep me laughing!

Beautiful Lady

When I'm with someone in person I don't talk a lot about how I feel, but when I write, I sometimes think I reveal more of me than I should. And that can lead to confusion, which is my problem, not yours - I need to work on my communication skills.

For example, a few posts ago I revealed a lot of inner feelings, but from some comments on the post and through private messaging, points seemed to be made that I wasn't trying to convey at all. So, I shortened the post dramatically, leaving just the first part and retitled it 'Rainbows.' I think it goes over much better now. ;)

That's the problem with me writing and knowing what to say and what not to say. I'm afraid that I will say too much and hurt someone unintentionally, especially my family, when I'm just trying to convey feelings. I really need to study writing a lot more than only what I did my senior year in high school (and I won't say how long ago that was - but we were still doing actual carbon copies on the typewriter in my 'secretarial skills' class!)

On to MD Anderson. Today, there was only one minor problem. I didn't have them access my port first because of time constraints so I went to the blood center to get an old-fashioned blood draw. When the lady took my blood through my vein, after inserting the needle she thought she had it in the right place, but when the blood didn't flow she MOVED THE NEEDLE INSIDE MY SKIN. Ouch! It's left a pretty good mark and bled for a bit, but didn't hurt for long. I think the thought of it moving inside my skin hurt more than the actual doing of it! Maybe.

But that was the extent of the problems. The pre-meds were infused at the right speed and the Taxol (chemo drug) was as well, so no problems of after that, which led to a pretty good day.  Better than last week when they started my port but had a problem with the flow return, which happens 'once in a blue moon.' She worked it out and everything was okay, but it was tense - she was, I was.  *Sigh.

So, when I went back out to sit with Bryan, I suddenly started crying. (He didn't go with me this time as I had told him I would be fine. :/ )  I guess the stress just hit me - every week it's something new to deal with - something unexpected, some bad reaction that may be serious, some new test that has to be ordered. Even tho everything has worked out ok, it's hard to deal with all this new stuff and still have the peace of God. I guess that's something I have to work on, or that God is working out in me. Peace in the midst of the storm.

But it did lead this beautiful 83 year old lady to talk to me. She was just so happy and had a great outlook on life even tho she was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was 47, a year younger than I am now! She talked to me and the beauty of her spirit (and she was beautiful on the outside, too) was just amazing to me!

Me, coming home from MD Anderson today!

This gist of what she said was "I have handled this for 25 years, you can, too." I hope I can with as much grace and spirit as I saw in her! God sent her to me as a special gift and I'd like to thank Him for it:

"Thank you, Lord, for bringing her into my life, and for her charm and grace while having a life threatening disease. Please give her many more years and let her life touch many more others!"

It reminded me how God is always looking out for me. He brought me this lady with an encouraging word just when I needed it. Isn't that great?!

"For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you 

nor forsake you.” So we may boldly say:

“The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. 

What can man do to me?”

Heb. 13:5-6 

Today

Today I actually had some energy and managed to accomplish several tasks without the usual 'chemo fog' clouding my thinking. I don't know how it happened, but I am grateful that it did. I was able to craft up some thank you cards, get them addressed and ready to mail, and put all the craft stuff back up where it belongs. Then I brought some clothes downstairs to be washed, put clean sheets on the bed all by myself and found some cool apps for my new iPhone. Funny how things that I used to do without thinking are now counted as big accomplishments!

At MD Anderson for another Chemo treatment

Chemo fog is a big pain - most of the time it's just hard to concentrate. Watching movies takes some staying power as my attention span keeps jumping from subject to subject to subject. I do better with tv series since they're shorter, but sometimes even those are hard to finish. Reading is worse, it has to be in real short snippets, which is a shame because I love to read! So being able to start and finish several projects without feeling 'foggy' was a blessing.

The chemo rash on my hands is getting worse and is becoming one huge connected rash on my left hand. It is now painful as well as itchy and besides being on my head, it is now spreading to my foot. Oh, well, at least it's all supposed to be temporary and should go away when I'm done with the Taxol.

I still find myself worrying about the future, dreading the next set of chemo treatments, and wondering how hard it will be to recover from the surgery. I have to remind myself that "Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof" - to take one day at a time. Then I further have to remind myself that "What time I am afraid I will trust in Thee." I have to trust Him, no matter what my future looks like. And pray, pray for others as well as myself. 

Stay in His word, keep His word in my heart, and pray. Yep, just what a Christian is supposed to do! :o)

Effects

Seven chemo treatments down and five more of this set to go.  The effects are accumulating now. I am having more tired days and Saturday was the first day that I stayed in bed nearly all day - I just did not have any strength.

I am also starting to get the pins and needles effect on my feet and sometimes numbness. At least it just comes and goes for now and hopefully will not become an around the clock thing! 

On Sunday I had a little more energy but felt like I was getting sick - my throat hurt and I ached all over. The pain meds they gave me didn't help one bit. Thinking it might get better I waited, but on Tuesday had to message the nurse to see if I could increase my pain medicine. 

Unfortunately, the rash is worse than it appears in this photo!

Meanwhile, I have developed a 'chemo rash' on my hands and arms which hurts quite a bit whenever warm or hot water is used. Otherwise they itch like the dickens! 

Over the counter meds aren't helping much so they are calling in a prescription cream for the rash and also said I could up my pain medicine to two pills at a time. They are a narcotic so after all this is over, I may be addicted to them! 

But I'll deal with that later, right now relief is a blessed thing!

While writing this I got a message that my father-in-law is on his way to the ER after putting a screwdriver nearly all the way through to his thumb! Please pray he won't need surgery or get an infection! 

My mother-in-law was going to take my son, Caden, to the doctor today because he is having problems with recurring infections and one is particularly bad right now. So it looks like Bryan will have to take off time from work, again, to take Cade to visit the doctor, as I just had my chemo treatment yesterday and take a lot of drugs the next few days to counter the effects. Funny, but they don't want me to drive while taking them. ;)

Sometimes all the medical visits in the Welborn family astounds me! I remember being blown away when both of my children had medical problems. Now that I have cancer, I realize, like my mother-in-law says; "It could always be worse!" And that is so true! So now I try to find something to thank God for every day because it could always be worse! :)

"Rejoice always,  pray without ceasing,  in everything give thanks; 

for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

I Thess. 5:16-18

Update: My father-in-law is out of the ER and it didn't hit the bone, thank you Lord! And my mother-in-law will be able to take my son to his doctor after all so my hubby can stay and get his work done. God is good!