No Strength Left

Yesterday I had to go to the MD Anderson ER for a 102 fever. After being there for seven hours they finally diagnosed me with two different infections - respiratory and bladder. I am now on two different antibiotics for the next week and I'm still on schedule to do my next FAC infusion in five days.

I honestly don't know how I'm going to make it. I can't do anything right now without breathing heavily and having to sit and rest. I have never felt like this before, my strength is almost completely gone even tho my white blood count wasn't that low, or high, or whatever it is supposed to be. I'm not sure I'll make it through a shower right now! I feel like I haven't slept in ages but all I'm doing is taking it easy. I guess we'll see if the antibiotics make any difference in the next few days. If I don't get some energy soon, I don't see how I'll weather this next set of chemo.

I know I am always asking for prayer, but I don't see how I will make it the next four weeks without prayer!

First F.A.C.

I think this is the longest I've gone without blogging since my cancer diagnosis - 16 days.

Me receiving the 'Red Devil' - Adriamycin

I had my first FAC chemo on Sept. 12th. It seemed to go okay while I was at the infusion center. The next day and a half I didn't feel too different than what I did with the Taxol chemo. 

But on the latter half of the second day I started getting very fatigued. I started dozing on the couch, then I would get up to nap in the recliner, then the chemo fog came back and was thick so I finally went to bed at 8:30 pm, and that's the way it went for the next several days. 

On the following Tuesday I felt like I was coming out of it some, but it came back the next day and I developed sinus problems along with a cough. Thankfully, the allergy meds I'm allowed to take took care of that problem.

Breast Center Lobby Area

I know I am more fatigued now that at any time before. I went out to check the mail yesterday and almost regretted it on the way back. I couldn't believe I could feel that weak so quickly!

Thank God, He saw me safely back to the house where I crashed in a chair for awhile feeling weak and shaky. 

Today I am still fighting fatigue, but I feel a bit more clear-headed than I have in some time. We will see how I do after today and until the next treatment. 

Hopefully, I will have the strength to blog about it before the next visit!

Thinking on Good Things

My church family is taking real good care of me! This is more necessities and even some fun things from 'Just Us Girls'. Thanks so much!

Tomorrow is the last Taxol treatment. I have decided to 'think on good things' about starting the dreaded FAC chemotherapy next week. Here's a list of things to look forward to for the next three months:

5. No shaving my legs or underarms for three more months! Nice side effect. :)  

4. The end of my chemo rash! My hands and feet have gotten pretty bad and I'm so looking forward to them getting back to normal! No more itching or pain while wearing shoes, no more gasping in pain when warm water touches my hands, no more strange looks when people see the rash and think I've got something contagious! Yes!

3. The end of my weird spotty hair scalp. Even though I look bald in pictures, there is still a remnant of sporadic hair that is still growing, giving me a weird look up close. The FAC should take care of any hair that's left.

2. No more weekly visits! Yea! The FAC is so strong that it requires a three week 'rest' period before I get another dose. So, even though this chemotherapy will last three months altogether, I will receive only four treatments and rest in between. Not having to drive to Houston every week will be a blessing and save gas money and mileage on our car!

1. This is the last of the chemo! Big Yea! 

A friend posted something that reminded me of what the bible says: 

"And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

2 Cor. 12:9-10

If my heart is weakened because of the FAC then it is for His glory, "for when I am weak, then I am strong." His strength will be made perfect in my weakness. I am still praying my heart will be ok and I ask for you to continue to pray for the same, but if He sees fit now or in the future to allow my heart to be weakened, then I will try to continue in His will and let His strength be seen through me. But I also have one more verse I read recently that I really, really like:

"Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart,
All you who hope in the Lord."

Psalms 31:24

Eleventh Treatment

One more treatment of Taxol to go then I start the FAC the very next Wednesday.  As I’ve said before, I’m very scared of the possible heart problems this treatment may bring. And it could be any time after, even years later, that I could develop heart problems or even another type of cancer from the FAC!

I’ve realized they’re treating me so aggressively because they aren’t really sure it is just breast cancer in my lymph nodes. When reading up on this FAC treatment I saw many times where it says it’s for metastatic breast cancer. But at my planning meeting three months ago the head doctor said he thought it was a rare form of breast cancer.

At my last doctor visit I asked my main oncologist outright if I’m getting more chemo than most people with just breast cancer because of where it’s located. She said yes. So, even though my cancer is supposed to be a completely treatable rare form of breast cancer, my treatment is actually as if it were metastatic breast cancer, a harder, longer, more dangerous treatment.

So, that leaves me wondering if I will survive my first FAC infusion on Sept. 12. And if I do, what then? Do I go to the doctor with every chest pain I have wondering if it’s a heart attack? How often do I bug my doctor when I have any tightness, flushing, back pain or chest pain that I’m supposed to watch out for?

One of my favorite hats! MDA Aug. 29, 2012

And if I do go to the doc, is there always going to be expensive tests to be done to check out my heart for the rest of my life? Maybe so, only God knows. It’s easy to say the words ‘Rest in Him or trust in Him’ but it’s a whole lot harder to live it! But I have to now.

I can’t go fretting my life away. Either God is going to give me direction or He’s not. The choice is mine on what to believe. God tells me He’s an ever present help in times of trouble (Ps. 46:1). He will never leave me nor forsake me, and when I am afraid to trust in Him, as it says in Heb. 13:5b-6:

 “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” So we may boldly say: “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?”

I admit, it isn’t easy. I have to remind myself of these verses every single day, as the battle of the mind is always raging. Satan wants me to be fearful and to fret about the future, or the present. But God wants me to trust in Him, to feel safe in Him even if circumstances don’t feel all that safe.

It’s an ongoing lesson and I’ll keep studying.