The Many Faces of Chemo

The many faces of chemo:

Horror

Acceptance

Pain

Boredom

Grace

Tiredness

 And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. 

For when I am weak, then I am strong. 

2 Cor. 12:9-10

I am not boasting or taking pleasure in my infirmities as the Apostle Paul did. I am not that strong. But I am hopeful that one day I will be the Christian that God wants me to be. A work in progress, as always! Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoy this silly break in all the seriousness of cancer and it's side effects. :)

Just in Time for Halloween...

Just thought I'd share a couple pics of how freakish I've become lately:

I can now count my eyelashes and brow hairs individually!

My very ugly nails!

 

My nails are partially separated from the nail bed and look horrible! I'm supposed to soak them in a 50% mix of vinegar and water two times a day. I've done a close up on the nails so what you can't see is that EVERY SINGLE NAIL is terrible looking - and my toenails are getting in on the act. The chemo is keeping me alive but is changing how I look.

Then there's my eyebrows and eyelashes, which you can now count individually. And I am only half way through the FAC! I most likely will not have any hair left by the end of November!

Would anybody even recognize me if they haven't seen me in awhile?  Superficial, I know, but still my identity is slowly disappearing. I was Chris, an active wife and mother and now I am a sick cancer patient hiding in my home and avoiding people so I hopefully won't make another trip to the emergency care center again.

And the days are long - there's not much I can do without getting tired so I end up just trying not to be bored. Watch a lame tv show on tv, watch another on the computer. Shuffle some cards so my hands stay busy. Listen to talk radio, listen to a sermon on the web, make myself eat a snack. I feel like I'm living in an old folks home.

I do some laundry every once in a while to at least get some exercise but even that can be taxing. Writing is hard as chemo brain interferes so much with that and with reading books, magazines or even doing crafts! Doing nothing has never been my thing! Boy is God teaching me patience! And to get over myself - looks can change so quickly!

At least God has all my hairs numbered, He knows I am changing but I am still His. He recognizes me and hears me when I call. He even has complete and total strangers praying for me!

With cancer, especially my rare type that may or may not be metastatic, life will never go back to normal. In the future, with every ache, pain or bump, I will wonder - is the cancer is back? Was it metastatic after all? That's a hard life to live.

But God wants me out of life as normal and into His new path for me - relying completely on Him. Taking each day as it comes - as a gift - because it could all be over so quickly and my cancer may come back. Life on the edge is what my life is now, but I have His assurance I am not alone. 

“I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Hebrews 13:5b 

Thank you for reading my blog. Have a blessed day!

Weathering the Storm

I weathered the fever, although it was rough. I had fever for at least four days, it could have been longer but I didn't take my temperature the first couple days I started feeling bad so I don't know for sure if I had fever then. Probably I did, but at least it's over now.

I currently have more strength, thankfully, but still am weaker than I've been since starting any of my chemo treatments. They went ahead and gave me my second FAC just four days after my fever broke. No rest for the weary.

Enjoying the birds at MD Anderson before my second FAC

I also developed a strange set of blisters on my face just after the fever broke and they are taking forever to go away! I've never seen anything like them before and it's adding to the weirdness I see in the mirror - strange blisters, thinning eyebrows, eyelashes that are hardly there anymore and of course, no hair. Well, actually, there are a few wild hairs so that just adds to the freakish look I have going on now. 

But what does it all matter since I don't go anywhere. I'm avoiding crowds to try and keep from getting anything that will give me a fever again. But I avoided them the first time around and got fever anyway so we'll see how well it goes this time. I only have two more treatments to go, but it's going to take another eight weeks to get through it all! I am so ready to be done with this chemo! 

Pretty pigeon!

On the bright side, my hubby got some food today and we went to the park to eat it. We sat in the car with the windows down and enjoyed the cool spell we have going on right now. There wasn't a cloud in the sky, no one was nearby and the breeze was just right. Thank you, Lord, for this little respite in the midst of the madness that is chemo!

*        *        *

  Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? 

And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father’s will.   

But the very hairs of your head are all numbered.  

Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.

Matthew 10:29-31