Snail's Pace

If any of you think I've got it together handling my cancer diagnosis, you should have seen me last night. I lost it...in a big way.

Maybe it was the stress of being away from my home, maybe the nervousness I felt starting my radiation treatment and having to stay completely still while on the table wearing special glasses and having to hold my breath several times a minute to keep the yellow line in the blue box so that I will be perfectly positioned for the radiation to keep it from reaching my heart or lungs.

Or maybe it was finding out this week that I have lymphedema, a lifelong condition I will now have to deal with so soon after my surgery. Or, the fact that I will need physical therapy three times a week for the next four weeks while I'm also having my radiation. Whatever it was - one of these or a combination of them, or the accumulation of the last six months of chemo, surgery, a drain, traveling and planning for now and the future - it all seemed to be too much last night.

One of the kids said something that just set me off. I started crying, practically screaming, of how tired I was of having cancer! How unfair it is to have two kids who are battling their own diseases and for me to have cancer as well. How I just can't take any more and it's all probably all for nothing anyway as I will most likely die from cancer! I even threw in a few swear words for good measure.

Hmmph, so much for a Christian testimony. So much for having faith and seeing how God is getting me through this, how I've grown closer to Him and have felt His love for me throughout this. How can I even be saved and throw a fit like I just did?! Any Christianity I seemed to have was wiped out in that moment.

Even though I immediately apologized to my kids and husband, I have felt horrible since then. Like there is no redemption. Not only did I have a lapse of faith, I even said some pretty bad words. What kind of child of God does that? Certainly not the kind who hopes to have any kind of Christian testimony.

I have barely even talked to God today, I think it's because I know I need forgiveness but I also know I don't deserve it. But I can still feel Him talking to me anyway. Like when I recalled how David, the apple of God's eye, committed murder. I feel like I have murdered my testimony with my kids.

But David repented and came back to God, and God accepted him. I have already repented and asked God to forgive me, now I just have to believe that He has, and I have to forgive myself. My daughter has told me that I tend to hold grudges. It hurt to hear it, but I think she's right. However, the person I always find the hardest to forgive...is myself.

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me." Ps. 51:10

Houston Bound

My hair is growing back!

I saw the radiology specialist this past Wednesday, and after consulting with her colleagues she decided I only needed five weeks of radiation instead of six! Yea! That will save me a week's rent, plus I'll be done with radiation one day before my birthday! God is good!

The radiation treatments start next Wednesday, January 23rd. I will be going every day, Monday through Friday, for treatment with weekends off. We will actually leave next Tuesday to set up house at the place we rented for our stay in Houston while the treatment is taking place.

I will miss my husband terribly the next few weeks. I will be coming home next weekend but depending on how my energy level is will determine if I keep coming home on weekends. My daughter and mother-in-law will be with me next week to help me set up house and see what its going to be like over there.

My son may go with me the following week and we'll decide later who will stay with me and when, but the last two weeks my hubby will take off work and be with me full time as my energy level is expected to be pretty low by then.

Years ago Bryan and I had spent a few nights apart and we unrealistically decided that we never would spend another night apart ever again! But life happens and sometimes it just can't be helped. I will miss him terribly, though. In fact, I already do. Love you, Bryan!

Radiation

Just a quick update! Tomorrow, Jan. 16, I will meet with the radiology doctor who will determine if I've recovered enough motion in my arm after my surgery last month to start my radiation therapy next week.

In the meantime, I have rented a place to stay in Houston while I am going through treatment. I will have to have radiation every day, Mon.- Fri. with weekends off for six weeks.

Since my husband can't take off six weeks off from work, and we only have one car, staying in Houston seemed to be my only option. Thankfully, friends have raised money for my cancer treatment, otherwise, I don't know how we would have been able to do this! Thank God for good friends and family!

Happy New Year!

I hope you all had a blessed holiday season. Mine was great - even with the surgery, even with the chemo! I am still alive in a brand new year!

Life has taken on a new urgency lately. Maybe because in the back of my mind a little voice keeps telling me that my cancer could return at any moment. I may not have much longer, I may not even make it to the five year mark when I will be declared cancer free by the medical community.

Should I shut that voice up? It depends upon the moment. Right now that little voice is inspiring me to live life to the fullest the best way I can in this moment, where I am at. Which is all I can do.

I can't go where I want - a trip to where I grew up, maybe to somewhere I've never been; the Grand Canyon or even Disney World. But I can embrace being able to cook supper from scratch again. Or having the energy to clean up my house. I can love the fact that both my kids are still under my roof, loving each other, staying close to God and us. And nobody is in the hospital right now!

I am finding joy in folding clothes. What?!  Maybe it will become a chore again in the future, but for now it is a blessing. Who would have thought? A year ago I was trying to make a different me, tired of the way things had always been. Who would have thought that a year later I would be relishing doing the mundane things I was so tired of this time last year? God does have a sense of humor!

There are times that little voice reminding me I may not have much longer to live can get me down. That's when I turn to God's promises; He will never leave me nor forsake me, even in my death. He has a plan and a purpose for me, I am always on his mind and He upholds me with His righteous right hand!*

None of us are promised tomorrow, but those who believe are promised John 11:25:

 “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live.

*Heb. 13:5, Eph. 2:10, Palms 139:17-18a, Is. 41:10