A New Year and Fresh Beginnings

Now is a time when people are making goals to better their life. Some want to lose weight by eating ‘healthier’, exercising or a combination of both. Others have written down specific goals to accomplish every month – cleaning out closets, organizing the garage, reading through the entire bible, etc.

My son has made columns on a large whiteboard with labels and specific goals he wants to accomplish as a composer this year. My daughter has several varied goals that she has worked hard on the last several weeks, compiling quite a list, one of which is to learn different computer codes so she can develop her own video games.

Me and my hubby, just before my diagnosis.

When I was younger I would make a list of goals as well. But every year I would inevitably fall short of achieving those goals and then I would feel miserable the rest of the year knowing I had failed.

In subsequent years I quit making ‘New Year’s’ resolutions. For one, I was tired of failing but I also developed a mindset that if anything needed to be done it was a bit ridiculous to wait until a certain time of year to do it. I believed if something was worth doing it was worth doing immediately. So I went with that for awhile.

Then a couple years ago I was tired of the same ol’ thing and decided that once again, I was going to set some goals, really shake things up and change a lot of things about me. I was going to lose weight, get a radical new hair style, start treating myself by pampering me in ways I never had before. It was going to be an 'all about me' year!

But I had forgotten one important thing that year - I never prayed and asked God what He wanted from me. I didn't check to see if my will was following His will. I just went with what I wanted without a single thought about what God might want for me and from me.

I had spent the last nearly 21 years raising kids and putting myself behind their needs so I thought is was my time. And it's not as if there was anything wrong with focusing on myself as my kids were pretty much grown and I could now afford to focus on me.

Me during treatment. I still have a few eyelashes left.

I started researching hairstyles and colors, joined Weight Watchers and started exercising regularly. I had even more plans for change and what I wanted to do that year, but it all came to a screeching halt in May. I was diagnosed with cancer.

The world tends to stop when you get devastating news. All the plans you had been making, all the projects you were working on, all the things you thought were important, fade into the background. You look at your kids and even though they were grown or almost grown, you realize there was so much more you wanted to teach them or share with them. You see your husband and the tense, worried look on his face and wish you could do something, anything, to erase it.

I started thinking about the things I wish I would have shared with people, things I wished I would have already written down, the photos I never took with my family at important milestones because I was never happy about the way I looked. I may now never get the chance to take those kind of photos.

Then I realized the goals I had set that year - losing weight, the ‘stuff’ I wanted to change or accomplish, the focus on me, all of that stuff was just that - ‘stuff.’ It was not what was really important. The important ‘goals’ were the people who were now facing the possibility that I might not be around much longer.  What was important was my testimony about what Jesus had done for me – that is where my focus should have been.

But God is loving and gracious and I can look back now and see that most of my goals for that year were actually fulfilled through my cancer treatment. It was ‘all about me’ as friends I hadn’t seen in ages were calling and coming by, bringing gifts and making sure I had what I needed. I didn’t do anything for six months as my husband and kids took care of the house and chores.

I was also taking much better care of myself to help protect me from the effects of chemo and I even lost weight and had a radical new hairstyle – all my goals at the beginning of the year! Isn’t God amazing?!

So this year I am praying to wake up every day and accomplish whatever it is God has for me to do that day. To enjoy life and ‘let go’ of that picture of me I have in my head of what I should look like or how things should be and just embrace life as it is right now. 

Me, Christmas 2013, with my overflowing stocking. God is good!

I will try to restrain myself when I should restrain, let go when I should let go, and ask God for wisdom to know the difference. Happy 2014, everybody!